Sunday, November 11, 2012
Results are in!
Well my results are in. I received a call from my doc last Thursday with results from my recent scans. The CAT scan reveled that there is still a somewhat large tumor in my chest next to my heart. It measures about 3" long and about an 1" in diameter. He is not certain what the tumor consists of; he's calling it a lesion. He says its probably scar tissue- a residual of the LARGE TUMOR that he reminded my I had at least three times during our correspondence; what a guy! The good news is that the PET scan was negative meaning that there were no traces of cancer that was detected by the scan. The downside to all of this is that because of the tumor size the likelihood of cancer returning is high; story of my life right? So now we meet with my doc on 11/23/2012 to determine the next phase of treatment. He's considering a bone marrow transplant as well as radiation therapy. I have to admit that it's good to know that most, if mot all, the cancer is gone. I remain faithful in trusting God for my healing. I am also prepared for the long haul if that is what it takes. I want to thank everyone who has been faithful to pray for me; on behalf of me and my family, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Blessings
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Round Six is Over
Hello friends, hope all is well. I can see you now, glued to your TV waiting to see who will be our next president. Food for thought for the TV pees- let one network cover Election Day so that everyone else can continue normal programing; my kids will be climbing the walls soon. Ok, I present to you the latest. I have completed six rounds of chemo therapy (the planned amount) and I had a Cat Scan today as well as a PET Scan tomorrow to determine the size of the tumor and whether or not cancer cells still occupy my body; scary right? The next step will be to meet with my doc to develop a plan based on the results of the tests. It is very unlikely that this trial is over. The best case scenario is that the tumor is completely gone and all the cancer cells in my body have been eradicated. This is my hope and prayer. I am preparing for something a little different though. The more likely scenario is that the tumor is dramatically reduced in size and that scar tissue and a small amount of cancer still remains. If this is the case I will most likely undergo (6) weeks of radiation therapy (I am beginning to hate the word therapy) there is nothing therapeutic about this process. The problem with this plan is that I will most likely be driving to LA five days a week for the entire six weeks, yikes!
I continue to remain hopeful for a complete healing by the hands of my creator. It is because of this fact that I have joy and peace; He has been so good to me. I am surrounded by the very best people who make it their aim to encourage me and lift me up. My wife will tell you that I am a bit apprehensive; those that know me know that this is probably the most accurate. There is a lot riding on this outcome, my family, my friends and my church all suffer with me; that’s what makes them great! I stop daily and consider how my wife and children will be affected if I should leave this world to be united with my Lord. I know this bothers most of the people that read a statement like that but I must say that you should stop and consider the same. My family is my most cherished gift and I want to be with them to enjoy this gift for a very long time. I wait with great anticipation to know my wife more intimately and just be in awe of her greatness. I long to see what will become of my children; what profession will they serve in, who will they marry, how many children they will have and what trails await them. These are the things that I live for.
Lord please lengthen my days so that I can enjoy all the gifts you have bestowed upon me. Please let my best days be in front of me and not behind me.
Blessings!
P.S. I still am waiting for your prayer requests. You can email me privately rabbiontherun@sbcglobal.net
Saturday, October 6, 2012
My Big Idea
My Big Idea
A few months ago I was reminded by the Lord that I need to carry a little cash with me at all times so that I will be in a position to meet financial needs of the less fortunate that I frequently run into. I met with the men of my church this morning to break bread and have some fellowship. While sitting there I noticed our food bank and the fact that the shelves were full of food. I was then reminded that it was the same way last week. I was moved by the Lord that the food was not doing anyone any good by sitting there on the shelves. The Lord spoke to me and said "don't wait for the food to be taken, take it to the people who need it". He then promised that when the shelves were empty, He would fill them again and again.
My Big Idea- BE READY!
I will now have ready (in my car) $30.00 in $5 increments and a bag of food from the abundant shelves for the purpose of meeting needs that come across my path. I will simply give some food and $5 to those who are in need.
Will you join me?
Email or respond to this blog about your story and experience and how it blessed you to give.
Blessings
Friday, October 5, 2012
The Big Picture
The Big Picture
Well I have lived with cancer now for the last (3) months and I have time to gain some perspective on my life and my disease. I have come to the conclusion that cancer is part of my life now; weather I am healed or not, this disease has left an impression on my life. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not being negative or melodramatic; I'm being realistic. I will, for the foreseeable future, be divided in my mind as to weather or not this cancer will resurface at a later date. I suspect that this fear dwells in many people have survived cancer. I will never forget the dark days when I was in the hospital, alone at night, thinking of scenarios that I never thought I would be considering. That process alone leaves a stain on one's psyche.
I desire to live my my life free of cancer, worry, fear and doubt. This will be a daily decision for me; I will have to purpose in my heart to overcome these obstacles. I am coming to the realization that this is exactly where God wants me. My faith is the active component in my physical and spiritual well being. I will not be robbed of the joy and peace that God desires me to walk in. I will not be a slave to the possibility of what may happen.
Lesson- abundant life is accessible to us all. It is a daily decision that we need to make. The door to this abundant life is a spirit filled walk with Jesus; He is the way the truth and the life! This abundant life cannot be found in anything else so stop looking and knock on the Door.
Blessings
Monday, September 24, 2012
Breaking Down
Well for the most part I’ve been on easy street with respect
to my chemo side effects. It’s not that it’s not been bad, just not as bad as I
thought it was going to be. Well, it’s all catching up to me now; my body is
rapidly breaking down. On the eve of my 5th round of chemo my big
worry is that in the past, a few days before chemo, I usually feel pretty good
and almost normal. Today I feel pretty bad! My hands are numb; a condition that
is not allowing me to play my guitar and mandolin with ease. Oh well, I guess
it will pass in a few months. All in all though; I’m glad to be alive and on
the winning end of this battle.
Married life is great, the normal adjustments have been made
and I really enjoy the schedule that we are on. We have time with all the kids,
time alone and time with my older girls. I’m a very blessed man. I am
surrounded by (6) kids who love me. I really miss not living with Lindsy and
Gracie because of all our late night talks but I still see them frequently and I’m
very proud of how they are progressing in life. I have the best part of
parenthood; coaching adult kids and raising younger kids. Oh yea, I almost forgot,
my wife is making me a better everything!
I have a great passion for the ministry God has called me
to. My friend Paul gave me a book to read and it’s been challenging and
pointing out the “holes in my ministry”. In short- I have been pursuing doctrine
and neglecting the very heart of Jesus; taking care of the “least of these”. I
love the fact that after all these years of serving God; I consistently stand
corrected but not condemned. God is so gracious to me. I have been reminded
that my joy is full when I’m about my Father’s business of helping people who
need help and not judging their condition.
On a personal note- please pray for an opening for me to
serve as a hospital chaplain. I feel very strongly about this ministry and I
cannot stop thinking about it. I want to comfort those who suffer with the
comfort that I have been comforted with. Sounds like something in the bible
right? IT IS!
Rabbi is falling asleep- got to go. Blessing to all of the
faithful blog creepers!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Right on Track
Well the waiting is over! The test results are in and my
little friend (my tumor) is 1/3 the size it was when I was diagnosed. I was really
pleased with the results and my doctor was encouraged by my progress. I had a
great day on Friday once I was given the news; I was finally able to breathe
again. God did everything that I asked of Him and I am so grateful. The truth
of the matter is that my body could be cancer free today. The image that was on
the CAT Scan could be the remainder of the tumor; non malignant. I won’t really
know if I am cancer free until the PET Scan at the end of my chemo regiment.
I knew at the start of the Fifth Trail that part of my
journey was going to be my healing. I often thought about how I would
communicate the faithfulness of God to you and not sound crazy. I am fully persuaded
that God hears, God heals, and restores all things. I would love for God to
heal me so that I can pass along the message to all who read this blog that God
is for us! He is not against us because of His great love for us. I spent the
morning trying to communicate this to my flock (John 3:16-21, Sunday sermon)
the fact that God so loved the world…. He loves me! He loves you and wants to
bring blessing into your life. He has great plans to prosper you in ways that
you could never imagine. This is not hype; it’s truth!
Lesson- God’s love for me is not based on circumstances. It
does not change like everything else in this world. It is the same every day weather
I have cancer or not, weather I’m good or not, weather I have faith or not; His
love endures forever! He has loved me consistently for every day of my Fifth
Trial.
Physical update- Sores in my nose and mouth, sweating like a
pig but happy to be on the road to recovery.
Thank you for your continual prayers and interest in my
life- I’m eternally grateful.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Waiting
Waiting
In the words of Tom Petty “The waiting is the hardest part”.
I had the CAT scan last Tuesday and I have been waiting for word on the size of
the tumor in my chest. Waiting causes anxiety in me. I really had no problem
with the fact that I had a growth in me. The issue is the finality of this
test. It is a grade that will determine if the last two and a half months have
been fruitful (worth it) really. I’ve always hated tests; they make us confront
our brutal realities. Most of you that know me are shocked about this reality.
The truth is I love confronting brutal realities; just not in me. I know that
no matter what the results reveal; God is faithful and I will receive what I have
been asking for.
The lesson is for me to learn to live in a state of contentment
despite my circumstances. If God is really for me then what am I stressing
over? Have I connected my wellbeing to results from a test? I wonder if this is
what men of faith have struggled with in the past. I hope I am not alone! What
I am learning is that contentment is a choice and it takes great faith to be
content when the circumstances are daunting.
My heart goes out to all the people today that are waiting
for good news and all the families that are standing (stressed out) waiting for
Hope to arrive. Make no mistake here kids; Hope is on the way! We have called
on God and He will deliver in His way and in His time.
Lord I pray for everyone who reads these words today to be infused
with Hope and Faith. Everyone is waiting for something and hoping for the best
in their life situation. Be their Hope Lord. Remind them today that You are
God, Creator, Healer and Sustainer of all things. Be all of these things for
them today.
Blessings
Saturday, September 8, 2012
The Nine Day Engagement
Well if you haven’t already heard- I was engaged while on
vacation (to Tammy) and married nine days later in my back yard in Fullerton in
front of my family. We have been dating for about a year now and the timing was
perfect. The stress level was low due to the short time to plan and it fit
perfectly between chemo therapy #3 and #4 that occurred the following Tuesday.
I know this sounds a bit crazy but I have decided to live and thrive during this
time and not allow my joy, my future and my love to be taken from me. The truth
is; I love Tammy very much and we are great together. So within nine days I moved
back in my home in Fullerton that I left 18 months ago, added 2 children to my
four children and attached my soul to another; all that’s missing is the
reality show. Please trust me when I say this- this is the best thing I could
have done; nothing else made sense.
So where do I go from here? I take every day as a new day
with new mercies and new ways of doing things. I am not alone anymore! I hated Thursdays
because I went home from church at night and I was alone; it’s not right for
man to be alone. I have five long-term goals now; thrive with my wife Tammy,
shepherd my small flock of children, be the best Pastor I can be, be the best
employee I can be and oh yea- beat this cancer thing. I have so much to live
for and that brings me joy and not fear. I will see light and victory at the
end of this battle; you can take that to the bank! You may be saying to
yourself, wow that sure sounds lofty. I can make this claim because I believe
that God will give me the desires of my heart and these are my desires. You may
call this a leap of faith, I call it skydiving! I vow to live like I was dying.
Lesson- The hope that God gives us does not disappoint.
Physical update- the 4th round of chemo was the
worst, I suspect that 5 and 6 will be even more overwhelming. I have a CAT scan
next week that will determine how the chemo is working against the tumor so
please pray. I’m praying for significant reduction in size.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
A Time to Think
Well I’m back from my timeout; it was well worth it! This
particular timeout was purposeful with respect to the decisions that I am in
the midst of making. One thing that became abundantly clear to me was the way I
have been living my life, or not living my life. I was confronted with the
question of exactly how I acquired this insidious disease. It became clear to
me that stress, diet, worry, doubt, fear and an overall concern about my life
performance, were the primary factors that led to my illness. My life was way
too complicated and busy to experience the abundance that God desired for me. I
was headed for disaster and if it wasn’t cancer than it would have been something
else. My body was saying what my spirit tried to say; STOP and rest.
Prayer reveled a truth that my first pastor communicated to
me a long time ago; “God’s opinion of me makes mans opinion irrelevant”. This
statement probably means nothing to you, but for me they are words that speak
to my tired and hungry sprit. I was simply trying to rest in what man thought of
me and not resting in what God thought of me. Those of you who know me well saw
this coming; I’m sure this is not a surprise revelation to you. Faith is
knowing that God is pleased and everyone else is pissed off! The weight of
leadership can be heavy at times but it is unbearable when you make it your aim
to please everyone but God. In the words of John Mayer- “Stop This Train, I
want to get off and go home again; I can’t take speed it’s moving in”. I know
you’re disappointed that I did not wax biblical, but that line was on my heart.
So where do I go from here? I make it my mission to please
God and deal with the disappointment from others. I need His encouragement more
than I need chemo therapy. This process will be a day by day struggle for me
because I so want to keep people happy. I need your prayers. I would rather die
pleasing God than live trying to make everyone happy! I have set a course that
I believe pleases God and I am compelled to follow it at all costs.
Blessings
Monday, August 20, 2012
Time Out
Blessing all, I trust everyone is holding up ok. Well, round #3 of chemo is complete and all the steroids have been consumed and I'm on vacation. I woke up this morning and had my devotion (my time with God) on the balcony overlooking the beautiful ocean waters of Catalina. This island has become annual resting place. I said annual, not final! I am taking this oportunity today to pray for all of you have faithfully followed me on this journey; my fith trial.
Lord, I pray for all those who are need of healing. We can trust you for healing because it's who you are and part of your character. Healing is one of your names and your son was called "The Great Physician". Trust God for your healing today! Follow me and I will show you the way!
Lord I pray for those who are stressed. Lord, you are the Prince of Peace; be their peace today. Calm the storm in their life and remind them to fix their eyes on you; the author and finisher of their faith.
Lord I pray for those who are overwhelmed with worry. Worry is not something you designed; it is extremely dangerous for your kids to engage in it. You are faithful, you will fix whatever is broken, you will provide for what's needed and you will bring about the change that we hope for.
Lord I pray for those who are are having relationship problems; marriage, dating, friendships and family issues. If we desire you to move in healing our relationship we must heal our relationship with you. We will never have the heart to heal relationships until your heart becomes our heart. Be wrong, be second and just make peace.
If you need prayer email me, I have the time and I have been faithful to pray for whatever needs you may have.
Lesson- these are more than just words on a screen; they are for you. They have power because He has power. They matter because you matter to Him. He will grant us these things because He has promised to do so. Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.
Blessing all, I trust everyone is holding up ok. Well, round #3 of chemo is complete and all the steroids have been consumed and I'm on vacation. I woke up this morning and had my devotion (my time with God) on the balcony overlooking the beautiful ocean waters of Catalina. This island has become annual resting place. I said annual, not final! I am taking this oportunity today to pray for all of you have faithfully followed me on this journey; my fith trial.
Lord, I pray for all those who are need of healing. We can trust you for healing because it's who you are and part of your character. Healing is one of your names and your son was called "The Great Physician". Trust God for your healing today! Follow me and I will show you the way!
Lord I pray for those who are stressed. Lord, you are the Prince of Peace; be their peace today. Calm the storm in their life and remind them to fix their eyes on you; the author and finisher of their faith.
Lord I pray for those who are overwhelmed with worry. Worry is not something you designed; it is extremely dangerous for your kids to engage in it. You are faithful, you will fix whatever is broken, you will provide for what's needed and you will bring about the change that we hope for.
Lord I pray for those who are are having relationship problems; marriage, dating, friendships and family issues. If we desire you to move in healing our relationship we must heal our relationship with you. We will never have the heart to heal relationships until your heart becomes our heart. Be wrong, be second and just make peace.
If you need prayer email me, I have the time and I have been faithful to pray for whatever needs you may have.
Lesson- these are more than just words on a screen; they are for you. They have power because He has power. They matter because you matter to Him. He will grant us these things because He has promised to do so. Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Great Morning!
Well for those of you who pray, you know that one of the
best times to pray is in the morning; preferably before the sun rises. I have
my devotion time (time with God alone) almost every morning. Most of the time,
I read and then pray about everything that concerns me. This morning was
different. My mind was filled with questions, questions that most of us are
afraid to ask. I approach God in a very practical way; it’s what makes my relationship
with Him unique; not better than yours, just different. I have leaned to forego
all the emotion and just approach Him like I would my father. I could talk to
my dad about anything; I miss him greatly. Ok, so back to my morning. As I sat
on my bed thinking about all my issues I realized that I had more questions
than requests. It’s not that I did not have need; I just had a hard time
verbalizing it. So I started journaling all of my questions and pouring out all
my fears, my what if’s, my how my gonna’s and all the things I think about but don’t
talk about. Something profound happened. I experienced a great peace about all
my worries and stressors. You see, God wants me in a state of need; need for His
presence in my life. So here’s the kicker- my circumstance have not changed but
my perspective was completely transformed as I was reminded again that God
wants me to be dependent on Him.
Lesson- for those of you who have a hard time connecting
with God start asking Him about all the issues of your life. Forgo answers for
the moment and focus on connection and relationship with Him. Seek Him first
and all the undone issues of your life will be resolved.
Chemo on Tuesday so please pray!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Good News Update
Well we prayed and God answered. I had a sonogram on my
heart to check and see if the fluid surrounding my heart had decreased. The doc
confirmed that the fluid was completely gone. I’m stoked! This was a big
concern of my doctors and a big weight on my chest. My hope is fueled by the
results of this test; I feel like God can do anything. Once again, God has
answered our prayer and remember it could have been YOUR prayer that He honored.
My second miracle occurred this past weekend. My daughter
Grace signed our team up for the Relay for Life (an event sponsored by the
American Cancer Society). We were the last team to join the event and had very
little time to organize. Despite our late start, we finished first in fundraising
($3,500) and had over 100 friends, family members and church family walk and
run on the track for 24 hours. I am surrounded by the best of the best! We received
encouragement and hope from survivors and cancer warriors; I was completely blessed.
Lesson- don’t stop now! My fight is not over. Please
continue to pray specifically for the tumor in my chest to be completely destroyed
by the chemo therapy. I want every cancer cell destroyed that is in my body. I don’t
want to be a picture of remembrance at next year’s Relay. I want to be one of
the speakers and testify how God healed me and how He used people to bless me
and give me hope. Please pray specially for these things. Your prayers matter!
If you need prayer for anything please email me (privately) at rabbiontherun@sbcglobal.net and I will be faithful to pray for you.
Physical update- I feel pretty good, I walked 26 laps at the
relay and paid the price but it was worth it. I meet with my oncology doc
8/13/2012 and round #3 of chemo is 8/14/2012. I’m bald as a bowling ball and
sore as hell.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
A Gift From God
God has been exceptionally good to me. From day one of The
Fifth Trial my girlfriend Tammy has stood by my side through circumstances that
I thought I was immune from. I was convinced before all this stuff went down
that I had been given someone very special; someone who was strong physically
and mentally. The thing that really surprised me was her spiritual strength. I
knew she was tuff, I knew her story and all her struggles and how she has persevered,
but what I have seen in the last 5 weeks has left me speechless. She is
fearless, obstinate, demanding (in a good way), compassionate and relentless! I
have never felt alone in this trial; with Tammy, it’s always “we”. When I am
away from her I can hear her say “Davis, you’re not going anywhere”. She is in
this with me; like she has this disease. For those of you who know her, you
know what I’m talking about. I know I am undeserving of this caliber of person
in my life; I have an incredible gift and I am grateful.
Lesson- So wrap your brain around this; God is for you! He
wants to give you gifts because He loves you. We are all undeserving of His benefits;
they are not earned so just accept them. Most of you have the best things from
God right under your nose- so look down and you will see them! God sent me the
perfect person at the perfect time because I’m His kid and He digs me. Say it,
God is for me!
Monday, July 30, 2012
The only statistic that matters
I don’t think I am alone when I tell you that when one is
diagnosed with cancer the digestion of statistics and knowledge about the
disease is overwhelming. The first thing you want to know is how long am I going
to live? What are my chances of survival? Internet searches ensue, data is compiled
and opinions are formed. Sounds a bit crazy but that’s what happens. This is a
very critical point in the fight against this insidious disease. Do you plan
and live your life based on this data? Is it relevant data? Can it be trusted?
Am I just one of the 450,000 men under 45 who will be diagnosed this year
alone?
The problem with the noble pursuit of knowledge is that it’s
all man based. I have a physical and a spiritual battle being waged within my
body. What I really need to know is what God says about my chances. This data
is not found on the web, there are no fancy charts, national statistics or
survival rates when one places their hope in God healing them. I have done
everything the doctors have told me to do and now I wait for God to perform His
work in me. Please let me make myself abundantly clear; God will heal me by using
talented doctors, the best family and friends a man could want and my faith in
His ability to do the impossible.
Lesson- Matt 13:15- 15 For this people's heart (our world)
has become calloused (fearful); they hardly hear with their ears, and they have
closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their
ears, understand with their hearts and turn (look to God), and I would heal
them.' NIV
We do not want to become calloused by the trends of this world.
Remember; we were created by God, in His image, for His purpose, for His glory
and to be His light in the darkness. I HAVE PLACED MY HOPE IN GOD!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Green Pastures
Psalm 23 “He makes me lie down in green pastures”.
Ok today was a good day! You may be asking yourself, didn’t he
have chemo yesterday? Yes I did. I have a 4 day reprieve through the miracle of
Prednisone (a steroid). I have an appetite and energy to burn. I worked for a
few hours this morning, cleaned out the garage, two loads to the dump, put an
exercise floor in and hung a punching bag for my girlfriend. Then it was off to
the movies with my boys to reward them for their hard work helping out the old
man. As I write this I’m watching a movie with my girls at home.
My point is this; God gave me a “Green Pastures” day after
being in valley of the shadow of death. I’m not trying to be dramatic; I’m just
giving you a snapshot of how God operates. I’m learning that one of the keys to
surviving this nightmare is to live when you can live and be sick only when you
have to. The truth is there is contentment in both; the valley and the green
pasture. They are gifts from God meant for my edification. What if He was only
the God of the green pasture and not of the valley? I thank Him for being both.
I’m a blessed man as I have stated in other posts; I’m surrounded by the best
of the best!
Lesson- So what about you? Have you found God faithful in
the valley and in the shadow? I know what some of you are thinking; I try to
avoid the valley’s dude; I don’t even like thinking about them and if I do they
may find me. Don’t be such a sissy! Valleys produce everything good in life and
they purge out all the bad. If you don’t cling to God in the valleys you will
cling to the wrong thing elsewhere and miss out on all the growth that God has
for you.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
I spent the day with my new peeps
Well, chemo round 2 is in the history books; thank the Lord.
I had the privilege of spending the day with warriors; real warriors. Ok, they
did not look like soldiers, police officers or firemen, but now that I have a
test of what they have been fighting- my hero radar has been recalibrated. As
we sat in our recliners with drugs being pumped in us that will kill us before
they heal us, we all made eye contact with each other. Very few words were
spoken but the eye contact said it all; I know where you’re at and we will make
it. It’s probably something that Grace (my daughter) and Tammy (my girlfriend)
missed while they were there with me, but I did not. There is great fellowship
in suffering; great comfort in knowing that we will all go home tonight with
the same doubts, pains and relief that it’s over for now.
Please understand that I not saying that we are an elite
group of people; we are just regular Joe’s who woke up one day with this
insidious disease. I experienced the same phenomena when I went through my
divorce. People who suffer great loss have the ability to comfort others when
they experience the same type of loss; it’s just Gods way. I thank God for all
of you who have call, emailed, text and just reached out with survivor stories.
These stories feed my hope up so keep them flowing!
Lesson- If you have suffered in this life then you have a
story of hope. That story needs to be heralded. The second day that I was in
the hospital a woman chaplain came in my room to “minister” to me. I kindly
replied “I’m a pastor, I’m covered”. Thank God she ignored me. She spent the
next 20 minutes telling me her story. For those of you who know about that Black
Tuesday; I needed that story more than medical attention. She explained to me
that 4 years ago she had the same cancer, stage 4 with very little hope of survival.
She was healed and became a voluntary chaplain because of her experience. So
what’s your story? Get off your butt and SHARE IT! You may change the life of
someone else.
2 Cor 1:3-5
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all
our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we
ourselves have received from God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ flow
over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows NIV
Monday, July 23, 2012
Fatigued
I have had the great privilege of having various careers in
my 45 years of walking this planet. When I was a young man I worked with my dad
manufacturing plastic injection molds. This led to my first career in plastics
manufacturing. Without going into too much detail, I learned first-hand what
fatigue can do to plastic. It’s easy to understand really. Can you remember
bending a piece of plastic and then trying to return it to its original form?
While you may be able to get it back to form you soon realize that the plastic
is marked forever at the point of the greatest stress.
Another way to convey my point is to explain what I learned
in the flooring industry (my second career). Have you ever noticed cracked stone
or ceramic tile while walking through the mall? If you pay close attention you
will notice that the cracks are usually connected in one straight line. The
reason for this phenomenon is that big structures have stress (fatigue) along
supporting column lines. The concrete slabs move and create stress in the tile
and then you have a crack.
I can feel some of you saying, Greg, you’re losing me dude.
Well this is what I am learning about chemo therapy; it causes my body to be in
a state of perpetual fatigue. I am at the point of breaking all the time.
Everything is I do is more difficult than it used to be. I feel stressed out lying
on the couch.
Lesson- Jesus said “my yoke is easy and my burden is light;
come to me all who are fatigued and I will give your soul rest”. Fatigue is
ungodly! I think all of us know what it is like to be fatigued but remember
this; you will not experience this in heaven. If this is something that you
struggle with then simply apply the Masters advice; come to Him. Please pray
that the fatigue I suffer from never becomes an excuse to treat others poorly.
I have been guilty of this lately and I feel terrible about it.
Chemo, round 2 starts in 14 hours
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Am I a good sheep?
Well I had a bad two days and I was not up to posting or any
other activity. The chemo therapy is stronger than I anticipated. My body is
now feeling all of its ugly side effects. Ok, so that’s my physical update, no
worries, I can take it.
So for the last two mornings I have been awakened by the 23rd
Psalm being repeated in my head. You know, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall
not want……” Typically when this happens I know God is trying to get something
through my bald thick head. When I was a young Catholic I misunderstood the
first part of this classic verse. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
What the heck does that mean? I shall not want Him? As I got older I understood
the verse to mean that the Lord is my Shepherd and because of this truth I will
not be left wanting. Wow, I will not be wanting for anything. If I’m not
wanting then what am I? I’m satisfied, wow, even better. Ok so let’s have a
little reality check shall we? Am I in want and do I feel satisfied? Most of us
would answer yes to one and no to the other. So what’s the deal; is God not
doing His part? God always does His part; He is perfect, we are imperfect.
The problem lies with the first few words of the verse. I
would have added “if” at the start of the verse to make this a conditional
promise. I believe that that’s exactly what it is. So the problem is with me;
am I a good sheep? Sheep follow the shepherd; they know His voice and follow
His direction. He will be faithful to lead them to good.
Lesson- we need to stop blaming God for our circumstance and
focus our attention on being a good sheep; faithful and obedient.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Sacrifice
I am a blessed man. God has surrounded me with people who
have:
·
Paid my July rent without me even asking
·
Stopped their life to spend a week with me in
the hospital
·
Got on a plane just to see me
·
Put their plans on hold and put my needs above
theirs for the last 3 ½ weeks
·
Stayed home just to be with me
·
Kept watch over me during the night
·
Shopped for foods I can eat
·
Handled my professional responsibilities with excellence
·
Cried with me
·
Fasted for me
·
Prayed without ceasing for me
·
Hoped when I did not want to hope
·
Looked me in the eye and said “I will never
leave your side”
·
Started prayer chains
·
Tolerated my mood swings
·
Cried for me in private- been strength for me in
public
·
Reminded me that they love me
·
Sacrificed time with their children to be with
me
·
Searched the internet tirelessly for things that
could increase my lifespan
You know who you are. You are my friends, my family, my
church, my co-workers and my future. You have added a trait to the list of what
love is in 1 Corinthians 13- LOVE IS NOT INCONVIEANCED! Thank you from the
bottom of my heart.
Lesson- Jesus said if you give someone a cold cup of water
in My Name you will not lose your reward. I have been saturated by cold water
and I am abundantly blessed because of it! So find a cup, fill it with water
and pour it out!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Bad hair day
Well mama said there would be days like this. After a long
night of night sweats and tossing and turning, I was making my bed this morning
when I noticed hair all over my pillow. Now I know what you’re thinking, what
did you expect? The funny thing about this process is that you actually have
days that are very normal, both physically and emotionally; you almost forget
that you have cancer. I just was not ready for the reminder. The chemo is doing
what it is designed to do; KILL everything! My body is now losing the battle
and for the first time, I feel like I have cancer. I must confess that I am a
bit vane about my body breaking down. I don’t mind the cancer; I just never
wanted to look like I had the disease. I never wanted to walk the streets with
my beautiful girlfriend looking like this. Ok, pity party over.
Today I was reminded once again why I need to kick this
thing in the butt. Max (my eight year old) and were driving in the car and
singing like usual and between songs, he said to me, “Dad please don’t die”. I
have my marching orders. I stood before a judge and promised to love and
provide for this boy and I will not let him down! So, cancer can take my hair,
jack up my stomach, and make me sore all over but I will not be defeated by it;
this battle belongs to God!
Lesson- trials are like a boxing match. I lost this round
today and that’s ok; I will not lose tomorrow. I plan on getting knocked down and
beat up but I have to remember; I’m in a fight and these things are supposed to
happen. What about you? Have you been knocked down? Get up, get right with God
and stop seeking after all the old coping mechanisms that have failed you.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Ask and you shall receive
Well God did it! I got my test results back (the source of
my impatience)and there were no traces of cancer in my bone marrow and the PET
scan reveled that there were no other tumors in my body! I am stoked. I got the
call this morning from my oncology doc and just seeing the UNKNOWN number on my
I-Phone made my stomach turn. I waited on every word that he had to say and I made
him repeat every word just to be sure. It was the call I was waiting for but
not wanting to take. You know that feeling right?
So the cool thing I want you to see is that prayer is an
awesome thing. Just think for a moment, God was listening to all these prayers
and there was one prayer that caused Him to move with power. We will never know
who prayed that simple prayer. It could have been one of you that listened to
my advice and simply closed your eyes and asked God for the first time in a
long time. THANK YOU! You may have saved my life. My children thank you, my girlfriend
thanks you and all my friends’ thank you as well.
Lesson- Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will
be open. For everyone who asks receives, and to him who knocks the door will always
open. You have needs, just admit it! Respond to this blog and I will pray for
you. God answers prayer, not just for Pastor’s, but for everyone who ASKS!!!!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Thankful
After 21 days of my journey I have been overwhelmed by the
great sea of people who have have reached out to me in a myriad of ways. I have
talked with people over the past 3 weeks that I have not spoken to in 25 years.
This morning at church I was give a blanket that was made by the women in my
church, my mantle is covered with cards and posters. My in-box is full with
people who have emailed prayers to me and my text in-box is overflowing. I am
not worthy of this outpouring of love!
The amazing thing is that I realized that I made a huge
mistake by not understanding the value of all these relationships. I am 45 years
old and I have had some wonderful relationships over the years that I have
allowed to die. When I think about everything that I experienced with these
fine people I feel as if I robbed myself. How do I revive these relationships?
Why did I wait for cancer to bring me to my senses? What catastrophic events
did I miss in the lives of my friends while I was busy living my life? I feel
foolish and embarrassed. Lord, I don’t want to be that man anymore, please
forgive me.
Lesson- what relationships are getting away from you? All it
takes is a call, a text, a lunch, or God forbid, an old fashion hand written
letter.
Status- I feel like an old man. My joints are as stiff as
can be, I’m down 22 pounds and I’m out of breath changing out a sprinkler. My
girlfriend (nurse) Tammy is the bomb; she takes very good care of me. Lord
please continue to bless her for her faithfulness.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Patience- I hate that word!
So I’m headed into week #4 of this nightmare and I still do
not have all the answers that I have been seeking. I have taken tests that
produced results weeks ago and yet I have NO results at all. I look forward to
the day that I have all the pieces of data that I need to understand this challenge.
I am a problem solver by nature and I love dry-erase boards, data, problem
solving tools and collaborative meetings. I feel a bit trapped! Is there cancer
in my bone marrow? Are there additional tumors in my body? Am I stage one or
four? I am struggling with patience.
So what’s the big deal you may ask? Everyone in this
position probably deals with these emotions. Well the problem is patience is a
fruit of God’s nature. So what does that mean? God is by His very nature
patient and longsuffering. He has been waiting for thousands of years for
mankind to get it. If I claim to be a believer then I will be patient like God
is patient just like I will love like He loves. These attributes are what
separates us from non believers. Most believers get caught up in do’s and don’ts
(laws for Christian living) and neglect the things you cannot see like love and
patience!
So what am I to do? Well, I need to be reminded that faith
feeds patience! What I desperately need is a shot of faith. So those of you who
know how to pray- start praying. Those of you who do not know how to pray-
close your eyes and ask God to fill me with faith; it’s that easy.
Lesson- Gal 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no
law. NIV
I need to spend more
time focusing on these attributes than I do focusing on the lack of information
that is frustrating me. Thursday, July 12, 2012
Spiritual Inventory
Well I had a PET scan today, no big deal, but as I was lying
there in this tube-like scanner thing (lying still for 30 Min) I had an epiphany
and a miracle. The miracle was that I was able to lay still for length of time;
those of you who know me personally know what I am talking about. The epiphany
was related to the process of the test and the outcomes. The first thing you
have to do is fast for six hours, no strenuous activity, just rest. The next
step is an injection of Glucose with radioactive tracers that go through your
entire body. The tracers are designed to light up other tumors so that the
cancer can be staged and then I get my odds.
The thing that I learned was that every test that I take has
a spiritual component to it as well. In the case of this test I need a tracer
to detect the spiritual disease that dwells in my spirit. I have areas if
idolatry hidden deep within me as well as other things that God desires to
point out in hopes that I will see and change my ways. Trial #5 is all about the
transformation of Greg, God’s kid, not Greg the pastor. The difficulty for all
of us is the decision to change. God will not change you, He will help you change
but it has to be our decision, our surrender.
Mumford and Son’s- Sigh no More- a song I will learn this
week on the old mandolin. Check out the chorus.
Love that
will not betray you,
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man
you were made to be.
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man
you were made to be.
Lesson- This is my prayer for me. I’ve been betrayed,
dismayed and enslaved by this world. God I need you to set me free to be the
man He wants me to be. Are you the man/ woman that He wants you to be? I know,
stop preaching! Hey, I am what I am!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
No More Sermons
For those of you “rookie” Christians let me give it to you
straight about the ministry. Shepherding, preaching and leading can get pretty monotonous.
You start teaching a book (the Gospel of John) and you spend your time
extracting what you believe God wants communicated to your flock. This process
is not bad or evil it just is what it is.
When black Monday arrived I knew that singing and preaching
would be put on the back burner. Paula, an anointed leader in my church, began maintaining
a schedule of anointed people to fill my spots. Preaching is my lifeblood and
my passion and I always look forward to communicating Gods word to my sheep. I
knew this season was going to be fraught with frustration. Imagine your life
being turned upside down and the floodgates of wisdom and insight being completely
open with new insight and a fresh perspective, and no mechanism to share it. I
do not want to preach sermons anymore! I want to communicate spiritual life to
sheep that are hungry for personal transformation. I want to be used by God to
speak to their inner man and to live a life that communicates the height, the
depth and the breadth of God’s love. My challenge is to be relevant in my desperation.
I don’t want to scare people away but I want to encourage them to connect with
God more.
Lesson- communicate the love of God like it is the last
thing that I get to say; my last words. I’m not dying but I wasn’t really
living either. I know there is someone reading this right now that needs to
know you are the apple of God’s eye. He’s crazy about you and misses you
terribly! He is next to you now waiting for you to invite Him in. So what are
you waiting for? Trust me- I have never felt God’s love stronger than I do
right now at this very moment and my life is completely upside down!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Decisions, Decisions
Life changing news has a way of putting off all the
decisions you were in the process of making moments before you realized your
life was upside-down. I was right in the middle of planning my life; spiritual,
personal and professional. My life consists of managing time so that time does
not manage me. Now every plan, every decision and every commitment is made with
cancer on the forefront of my mind. Where will I be six months from now? Will
this all be over and behind me? What if the chemo therapy is ineffective? What
if they find more cancer? Will I be around to see the completion of the project
at work that I am working on? Will I be around long enough to finish teaching
the Gospel of John to my flock? Wow, now I’m stressed.
So this is the way I see it; I will make the decisions that
need to be made. I do not have tomorrow promised to me. I vow to make no
decision before its time even if that non-decision has consequences. Scripture
teaches us that every decision starts with God; seek His kingdom first, and all
these things will be added on to you. So what the heck does that mean? It means
that I need to be seeking God far more than I need to be seeking and answer to
my decision. I need to trust the fact that God wants to give me peace before He
gives me answers. The order is God first and answers to life decisions second.
This is way beyond living “one day at a time”.
Lesson- Start
seeking God and stop trying to control everything.
Matt 4:4 Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not
live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
NIV
Physical Condition- Sick and sore. I have a PET scan Thursday
to determine if there are additional tumors. Please pray. If you have never
prayed then just ask God like you would ask your dad for something. It’s not
rocket science.
Monday, July 9, 2012
A Glimpse of Normal
I had a good day today despite the pain and discomfort. What
made it a great day was that I got to experience a little bit of “normal” for
the first time since this disaster began. Sunday night I was blessed to go on a
date with Tammy (dinner at Taps). I felt like every other guy in the restaurant
trying to impress his date; I felt normal again. Today I got to go to work for
a few hours, sit at my desk, and answer some questions other than how do you
feel today? I felt like every other working stiff and it felt great! Tonight I
got to take my kids to dinner (Mexican food- paying for it now) and listen to
my girls bicker back and forth, again, I felt normal! Lord I thank you for normal;
I will never take it for granted again.
Lesson- Scripture teaches us to redeem time. Mexican food,
my chair at work and date with my gal will never be taken for granted again.
These are gifts from God that need to be protected and cherished at all costs.
So what is your normal? What are you taking for granted? No guilt
trip here, I’m just encouraging you to start cherishing your “normal”.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Two Directions
Heb 12:2-3
2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of
our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its
shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who
endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and
lose heart.
NIV
My hours are spent fighting between two directions. I have
never had this much time to think and consider. My mind wonders to some dark
places that seem to drain my hope faster than anything. This “dark place”
direction is real and a very formidable enemy. He seeks to leave me alone and
fearful trying to reason my way out of this hole. The bad thoughts seem to pile
on one another and grow just like the cancer that is in my chest. I cannot head
down this direction!
The opposite direction is a process of keeping Jesus in
every thought, memory and future hope that comes through my mind. I have never
had to do this before. In the past I could casually check in with Jesus on my
time; now my time is His time. There is great hope in this direction! I suspect
that this is a condition that God wanted me to experience long ago. I preached
about it and encouraged others to do so but I have never lived it. There is a
war in my mind over these two directions.
Lesson- The word “fix” in the text above means consider
attentively. Lord let us fix our eyes on Jesus the direction that you have
ordained for us before we were formed in the womb.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Reconciliation
The worst thing about being a pastor is the natural
separation that occurs when people leave the church. Very few people leave
correctly; most leave incorrectly, either way, I end up being the reason. This particular
situation inevitably leads to uncomfortable encounters at civic meetings, the
market and so on. I hate this! I got into the ministry to serve God and help
people. I would like to stay connected with these people like everyone else in
the church. I consider them family. Ok, enough with the woe is me.
God is in the process of restoring all things. Trail #5 will
be the mechanism that God will use to restore relationships that I have
neglected and ruined. I pray that he will use this trail to reconcile
relationships that have been damaged between me and people that I have been
praying for. God desires us to live in peace with one another. This is a very
high calling!
Since that dreadful Monday, God has restored me to 14 people
that I was estranged from; thank you Lord. I have found lost treasure. The
funny thing about this process is that God is beckoning me to pursue
reconciliation even with people who do not desire it; I will try, I have
nothing to lose.
Lesson- We will sit one day at the Marriage Supper of the
Lamb. How uncomfortable will it be to be seated next to a brother that we have
been estranged from because of foolish and worldly circumstances? FIX IT NOW!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
The Fifth Trial- The First Week, Monday June 25th
Well after a month of going back and forth to my doc for an
answer to my persistent coughing, I followed Tammy’s (my girlfriend) advice and
went to Kaiser ER for a chest x-ray. Doc comes in and says that they found a
shadow or what could be an enlarged heart. I knew right then and there that my
life was going to change. I called Tammy and she was there immediately.
The next two days consisted of Tammy and I receiving one bad
report after another. Monday and Tuesday were the worst days of my life; I’m
glad I was not alone! Tuesday night I had the needle biopsy and Thursday was
the bone marrow biopsy. I was not “Living and Thriving” like Kaiser had
promised.
While sitting with my BF (Troy) on Friday night we received the
official diagnosis, Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Diffused Large Cell B. Stupid name!
I HAVE CANCER and a tumor sitting on my lungs and irritating my heart. The
irritation has caused significant fluid around my heart.
Sunday 3PM I started chemo round 1 of 6 (every three weeks).
Not fun! 11 hours of pumping poison into my body. As the poison entered my body
my girls prayed for the drug to do its job.
On Monday, July 2, I was released from Kaiser after a week
in the hospital and very thankful to be home!
Lesson- God never left my side. I felt his power every step
of the way. He spoke to me about the good that will result from Trial #5. How
it will mold and shape me, build my faith, make me a better man, a better
pastor and a better father. I learned that Tammy knows what love is. I am at a
loss for words when I think about her strength.
Stay tuned
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
The Fifth Trial
Let me start by saying that this blog is about my battle
with cancer. That last typed word “cancer” was the first time I used this word referring
to me (deep breath). The title The Fifth Trial (cancer) begs the question what
were trails 1-4. Trail #1- when I was 22 years old I lost my brother Ray (26)
to a brain aneurism (we were golfing). Trial #2- in 1999 I sent my mom and dad
on a cruise for my mom’s birthday. She died dancing with my father on the ship.
Trail #3- in 2000 I lost my dad to a severe infection. Both my mom and my dad
were 58 years old. Trail #4- in 2011 after 23 years of marriage Barb and I divorced.
The Fifth Trial is the first trial that involved a fight- I
love a good fight. For those of you who do not believe in Jesus, what I am
about to say may confuse you. This trial is from God for the purpose to build
me up and make me complete. I do not believe it was sent to destroy me! The
purpose of this blog is to communicate how God works and how He heals and
sustains His people. Please understand that I am fully persuaded that I will
survive, re-marry, and raise my new family.
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