So What am I so Afraid of?

So What am I so Afraid of? Well tomorrow is just going to be one of those days. I have a cat scan to check on the status of my tumor/growth/scar tissue- whatever! I hate tests that I have no control over. I can’t study or prepare; whatever will be, will be. I watched a movie with my wife and my oldest daughter last night that challenged me to deal with my fear that I have let run rampant lately. I am well acquainted with anxiety of late; it’s becoming a very familiar friend. So what am I so afraid of? The list- I don’t want to stay in the hospital anymore- it’s lonely and very confusing. There just seems to be a bunch of people walking around that know more about your case than you do. I don’t want to leave my wife and family behind. I just started over again and I’m really enjoying my life. There is so much more to teach my four younger children and so much more to learn from my two older ones. I’m not afraid to die- I know I will be with my Lord. I’m not afraid of cancer- I did this before, I can do it again. I am afraid of what this illness causes- potential separation from the people that I love, my family, my church, my co-workers and my friends. Last summer I took a picture of my hand overlapped with Max’s hand and I prayed- Lord allow me to stay in this world until Max’s hand is the size of my hand. We hold hands every day I am with him and mine is still bigger! Lord- whatever tomorrow brings- my hand is in your hand!