The only statistic that matters

I don’t think I am alone when I tell you that when one is diagnosed with cancer the digestion of statistics and knowledge about the disease is overwhelming. The first thing you want to know is how long am I going to live? What are my chances of survival? Internet searches ensue, data is compiled and opinions are formed. Sounds a bit crazy but that’s what happens. This is a very critical point in the fight against this insidious disease. Do you plan and live your life based on this data? Is it relevant data? Can it be trusted? Am I just one of the 450,000 men under 45 who will be diagnosed this year alone?

The problem with the noble pursuit of knowledge is that it’s all man based. I have a physical and a spiritual battle being waged within my body. What I really need to know is what God says about my chances. This data is not found on the web, there are no fancy charts, national statistics or survival rates when one places their hope in God healing them. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do and now I wait for God to perform His work in me. Please let me make myself abundantly clear; God will heal me by using talented doctors, the best family and friends a man could want and my faith in His ability to do the impossible.

Lesson- Matt 13:15- 15 For this people's heart (our world) has become calloused (fearful); they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn (look to God), and I would heal them.' NIV  

We do not want to become calloused by the trends of this world. Remember; we were created by God, in His image, for His purpose, for His glory and to be His light in the darkness. I HAVE PLACED MY HOPE IN GOD!     

Green Pastures

Psalm 23 “He makes me lie down in green pastures”.

Ok today was a good day! You may be asking yourself, didn’t he have chemo yesterday? Yes I did. I have a 4 day reprieve through the miracle of Prednisone (a steroid). I have an appetite and energy to burn. I worked for a few hours this morning, cleaned out the garage, two loads to the dump, put an exercise floor in and hung a punching bag for my girlfriend. Then it was off to the movies with my boys to reward them for their hard work helping out the old man. As I write this I’m watching a movie with my girls at home.    

My point is this; God gave me a “Green Pastures” day after being in valley of the shadow of death. I’m not trying to be dramatic; I’m just giving you a snapshot of how God operates. I’m learning that one of the keys to surviving this nightmare is to live when you can live and be sick only when you have to. The truth is there is contentment in both; the valley and the green pasture. They are gifts from God meant for my edification. What if He was only the God of the green pasture and not of the valley? I thank Him for being both. I’m a blessed man as I have stated in other posts; I’m surrounded by the best of the best!

Lesson- So what about you? Have you found God faithful in the valley and in the shadow? I know what some of you are thinking; I try to avoid the valley’s dude; I don’t even like thinking about them and if I do they may find me. Don’t be such a sissy! Valleys produce everything good in life and they purge out all the bad. If you don’t cling to God in the valleys you will cling to the wrong thing elsewhere and miss out on all the growth that God has for you.    

I spent the day with my new peeps

Well, chemo round 2 is in the history books; thank the Lord. I had the privilege of spending the day with warriors; real warriors. Ok, they did not look like soldiers, police officers or firemen, but now that I have a test of what they have been fighting- my hero radar has been recalibrated. As we sat in our recliners with drugs being pumped in us that will kill us before they heal us, we all made eye contact with each other. Very few words were spoken but the eye contact said it all; I know where you’re at and we will make it. It’s probably something that Grace (my daughter) and Tammy (my girlfriend) missed while they were there with me, but I did not. There is great fellowship in suffering; great comfort in knowing that we will all go home tonight with the same doubts, pains and relief that it’s over for now.

Please understand that I not saying that we are an elite group of people; we are just regular Joe’s who woke up one day with this insidious disease. I experienced the same phenomena when I went through my divorce. People who suffer great loss have the ability to comfort others when they experience the same type of loss; it’s just Gods way. I thank God for all of you who have call, emailed, text and just reached out with survivor stories. These stories feed my hope up so keep them flowing!

Lesson- If you have suffered in this life then you have a story of hope. That story needs to be heralded. The second day that I was in the hospital a woman chaplain came in my room to “minister” to me. I kindly replied “I’m a pastor, I’m covered”. Thank God she ignored me. She spent the next 20 minutes telling me her story. For those of you who know about that Black Tuesday; I needed that story more than medical attention. She explained to me that 4 years ago she had the same cancer, stage 4 with very little hope of survival. She was healed and became a voluntary chaplain because of her experience. So what’s your story? Get off your butt and SHARE IT! You may change the life of someone else.

2 Cor 1:3-5

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows NIV

Fatigued

I have had the great privilege of having various careers in my 45 years of walking this planet. When I was a young man I worked with my dad manufacturing plastic injection molds. This led to my first career in plastics manufacturing. Without going into too much detail, I learned first-hand what fatigue can do to plastic. It’s easy to understand really. Can you remember bending a piece of plastic and then trying to return it to its original form? While you may be able to get it back to form you soon realize that the plastic is marked forever at the point of the greatest stress.

Another way to convey my point is to explain what I learned in the flooring industry (my second career). Have you ever noticed cracked stone or ceramic tile while walking through the mall? If you pay close attention you will notice that the cracks are usually connected in one straight line. The reason for this phenomenon is that big structures have stress (fatigue) along supporting column lines. The concrete slabs move and create stress in the tile and then you have a crack.

I can feel some of you saying, Greg, you’re losing me dude. Well this is what I am learning about chemo therapy; it causes my body to be in a state of perpetual fatigue. I am at the point of breaking all the time. Everything is I do is more difficult than it used to be. I feel stressed out lying on the couch.

Lesson- Jesus said “my yoke is easy and my burden is light; come to me all who are fatigued and I will give your soul rest”. Fatigue is ungodly! I think all of us know what it is like to be fatigued but remember this; you will not experience this in heaven. If this is something that you struggle with then simply apply the Masters advice; come to Him. Please pray that the fatigue I suffer from never becomes an excuse to treat others poorly. I have been guilty of this lately and I feel terrible about it.  

Chemo, round 2 starts in 14 hours

Am I a good sheep?

Well I had a bad two days and I was not up to posting or any other activity. The chemo therapy is stronger than I anticipated. My body is now feeling all of its ugly side effects. Ok, so that’s my physical update, no worries, I can take it.

So for the last two mornings I have been awakened by the 23^rd Psalm being repeated in my head. You know, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want……” Typically when this happens I know God is trying to get something through my bald thick head. When I was a young Catholic I misunderstood the first part of this classic verse. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. What the heck does that mean? I shall not want Him? As I got older I understood the verse to mean that the Lord is my Shepherd and because of this truth I will not be left wanting. Wow, I will not be wanting for anything. If I’m not wanting then what am I? I’m satisfied, wow, even better. Ok so let’s have a little reality check shall we? Am I in want and do I feel satisfied? Most of us would answer yes to one and no to the other. So what’s the deal; is God not doing His part? God always does His part; He is perfect, we are imperfect.

The problem lies with the first few words of the verse. I would have added “if” at the start of the verse to make this a conditional promise. I believe that that’s exactly what it is. So the problem is with me; am I a good sheep? Sheep follow the shepherd; they know His voice and follow His direction. He will be faithful to lead them to good.

Lesson- we need to stop blaming God for our circumstance and focus our attention on being a good sheep; faithful and obedient.

Sacrifice

I am a blessed man. God has surrounded me with people who have:

·         Paid my July rent without me even asking

·         Stopped their life to spend a week with me in the hospital

·         Got on a plane just to see me

·         Put their plans on hold and put my needs above theirs for the last 3 ½ weeks

·         Stayed home just to be with me

·         Kept watch over me during the night

·         Shopped for foods I can eat

·         Handled my professional responsibilities with excellence

·         Cried with me

·         Fasted for me

·         Prayed without ceasing for me

·         Hoped when I did not want to hope

·         Looked me in the eye and said “I will never leave your side”

·         Started prayer chains

·         Tolerated my mood swings

·         Cried for me in private- been strength for me in public

·         Reminded me that they love me

·         Sacrificed time with their children to be with me  

·         Searched the internet tirelessly for things that could increase my lifespan

You know who you are. You are my friends, my family, my church, my co-workers and my future. You have added a trait to the list of what love is in 1 Corinthians 13- LOVE IS NOT INCONVIEANCED! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Lesson- Jesus said if you give someone a cold cup of water in My Name you will not lose your reward. I have been saturated by cold water and I am abundantly blessed because of it! So find a cup, fill it with water and pour it out!   

Bad hair day

Well mama said there would be days like this. After a long night of night sweats and tossing and turning, I was making my bed this morning when I noticed hair all over my pillow. Now I know what you’re thinking, what did you expect? The funny thing about this process is that you actually have days that are very normal, both physically and emotionally; you almost forget that you have cancer. I just was not ready for the reminder. The chemo is doing what it is designed to do; KILL everything! My body is now losing the battle and for the first time, I feel like I have cancer. I must confess that I am a bit vane about my body breaking down. I don’t mind the cancer; I just never wanted to look like I had the disease. I never wanted to walk the streets with my beautiful girlfriend looking like this. Ok, pity party over.

Today I was reminded once again why I need to kick this thing in the butt. Max (my eight year old) and were driving in the car and singing like usual and between songs, he said to me, “Dad please don’t die”. I have my marching orders. I stood before a judge and promised to love and provide for this boy and I will not let him down! So, cancer can take my hair, jack up my stomach, and make me sore all over but I will not be defeated by it; this battle belongs to God!

Lesson- trials are like a boxing match. I lost this round today and that’s ok; I will not lose tomorrow. I plan on getting knocked down and beat up but I have to remember; I’m in a fight and these things are supposed to happen. What about you? Have you been knocked down? Get up, get right with God and stop seeking after all the old coping mechanisms that have failed you.

Ask and you shall receive

Well God did it! I got my test results back (the source of my impatience)and there were no traces of cancer in my bone marrow and the PET scan reveled that there were no other tumors in my body! I am stoked. I got the call this morning from my oncology doc and just seeing the UNKNOWN number on my I-Phone made my stomach turn. I waited on every word that he had to say and I made him repeat every word just to be sure. It was the call I was waiting for but not wanting to take. You know that feeling right?

So the cool thing I want you to see is that prayer is an awesome thing. Just think for a moment, God was listening to all these prayers and there was one prayer that caused Him to move with power. We will never know who prayed that simple prayer. It could have been one of you that listened to my advice and simply closed your eyes and asked God for the first time in a long time. THANK YOU! You may have saved my life. My children thank you, my girlfriend thanks you and all my friends’ thank you as well.

Lesson- Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be open. For everyone who asks receives, and to him who knocks the door will always open. You have needs, just admit it! Respond to this blog and I will pray for you. God answers prayer, not just for Pastor’s, but for everyone who ASKS!!!!

Thankful

After 21 days of my journey I have been overwhelmed by the great sea of people who have have reached out to me in a myriad of ways. I have talked with people over the past 3 weeks that I have not spoken to in 25 years. This morning at church I was give a blanket that was made by the women in my church, my mantle is covered with cards and posters. My in-box is full with people who have emailed prayers to me and my text in-box is overflowing. I am not worthy of this outpouring of love!

The amazing thing is that I realized that I made a huge mistake by not understanding the value of all these relationships. I am 45 years old and I have had some wonderful relationships over the years that I have allowed to die. When I think about everything that I experienced with these fine people I feel as if I robbed myself. How do I revive these relationships? Why did I wait for cancer to bring me to my senses? What catastrophic events did I miss in the lives of my friends while I was busy living my life? I feel foolish and embarrassed. Lord, I don’t want to be that man anymore, please forgive me.

Lesson- what relationships are getting away from you? All it takes is a call, a text, a lunch, or God forbid, an old fashion hand written letter.

Status- I feel like an old man. My joints are as stiff as can be, I’m down 22 pounds and I’m out of breath changing out a sprinkler. My girlfriend (nurse) Tammy is the bomb; she takes very good care of me. Lord please continue to bless her for her faithfulness.    

Patience- I hate that word!

So I’m headed into week #4 of this nightmare and I still do not have all the answers that I have been seeking. I have taken tests that produced results weeks ago and yet I have NO results at all. I look forward to the day that I have all the pieces of data that I need to understand this challenge. I am a problem solver by nature and I love dry-erase boards, data, problem solving tools and collaborative meetings. I feel a bit trapped! Is there cancer in my bone marrow? Are there additional tumors in my body? Am I stage one or four? I am struggling with patience.

So what’s the big deal you may ask? Everyone in this position probably deals with these emotions. Well the problem is patience is a fruit of God’s nature. So what does that mean? God is by His very nature patient and longsuffering. He has been waiting for thousands of years for mankind to get it. If I claim to be a believer then I will be patient like God is patient just like I will love like He loves. These attributes are what separates us from non believers. Most believers get caught up in do’s and don’ts (laws for Christian living) and neglect the things you cannot see like love and patience!

So what am I to do? Well, I need to be reminded that faith feeds patience! What I desperately need is a shot of faith. So those of you who know how to pray- start praying. Those of you who do not know how to pray- close your eyes and ask God to fill me with faith; it’s that easy.

Lesson-  Gal 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. NIV

I need to spend more time focusing on these attributes than I do focusing on the lack of information that is frustrating me.

Spiritual Inventory

Well I had a PET scan today, no big deal, but as I was lying there in this tube-like scanner thing (lying still for 30 Min) I had an epiphany and a miracle. The miracle was that I was able to lay still for length of time; those of you who know me personally know what I am talking about. The epiphany was related to the process of the test and the outcomes. The first thing you have to do is fast for six hours, no strenuous activity, just rest. The next step is an injection of Glucose with radioactive tracers that go through your entire body. The tracers are designed to light up other tumors so that the cancer can be staged and then I get my odds.

The thing that I learned was that every test that I take has a spiritual component to it as well. In the case of this test I need a tracer to detect the spiritual disease that dwells in my spirit. I have areas if idolatry hidden deep within me as well as other things that God desires to point out in hopes that I will see and change my ways. Trial #5 is all about the transformation of Greg, God’s kid, not Greg the pastor. The difficulty for all of us is the decision to change. God will not change you, He will help you change but it has to be our decision, our surrender.   

Mumford and Son’s- Sigh no More- a song I will learn this week on the old mandolin. Check out the chorus.

Love that will not betray you,
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man
you were made to be.

Lesson- This is my prayer for me. I’ve been betrayed, dismayed and enslaved by this world. God I need you to set me free to be the man He wants me to be. Are you the man/ woman that He wants you to be? I know, stop preaching! Hey, I am what I am!

No More Sermons

For those of you “rookie” Christians let me give it to you straight about the ministry. Shepherding, preaching and leading can get pretty monotonous. You start teaching a book (the Gospel of John) and you spend your time extracting what you believe God wants communicated to your flock. This process is not bad or evil it just is what it is.

When black Monday arrived I knew that singing and preaching would be put on the back burner. Paula, an anointed leader in my church, began maintaining a schedule of anointed people to fill my spots. Preaching is my lifeblood and my passion and I always look forward to communicating Gods word to my sheep. I knew this season was going to be fraught with frustration. Imagine your life being turned upside down and the floodgates of wisdom and insight being completely open with new insight and a fresh perspective, and no mechanism to share it. I do not want to preach sermons anymore! I want to communicate spiritual life to sheep that are hungry for personal transformation. I want to be used by God to speak to their inner man and to live a life that communicates the height, the depth and the breadth of God’s love. My challenge is to be relevant in my desperation. I don’t want to scare people away but I want to encourage them to connect with God more.

Lesson- communicate the love of God like it is the last thing that I get to say; my last words. I’m not dying but I wasn’t really living either. I know there is someone reading this right now that needs to know you are the apple of God’s eye. He’s crazy about you and misses you terribly! He is next to you now waiting for you to invite Him in. So what are you waiting for? Trust me- I have never felt God’s love stronger than I do right now at this very moment and my life is completely upside down!   

          

Decisions, Decisions  

Life changing news has a way of putting off all the decisions you were in the process of making moments before you realized your life was upside-down. I was right in the middle of planning my life; spiritual, personal and professional. My life consists of managing time so that time does not manage me. Now every plan, every decision and every commitment is made with cancer on the forefront of my mind. Where will I be six months from now? Will this all be over and behind me? What if the chemo therapy is ineffective? What if they find more cancer? Will I be around to see the completion of the project at work that I am working on? Will I be around long enough to finish teaching the Gospel of John to my flock? Wow, now I’m stressed.

So this is the way I see it; I will make the decisions that need to be made. I do not have tomorrow promised to me. I vow to make no decision before its time even if that non-decision has consequences. Scripture teaches us that every decision starts with God; seek His kingdom first, and all these things will be added on to you. So what the heck does that mean? It means that I need to be seeking God far more than I need to be seeking and answer to my decision. I need to trust the fact that God wants to give me peace before He gives me answers. The order is God first and answers to life decisions second. This is way beyond living “one day at a time”.

Lesson-                Start seeking God and stop trying to control everything.  

Matt 4:4 Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" NIV    

Physical Condition- Sick and sore. I have a PET scan Thursday to determine if there are additional tumors. Please pray. If you have never prayed then just ask God like you would ask your dad for something. It’s not rocket science.     

A Glimpse of Normal

I had a good day today despite the pain and discomfort. What made it a great day was that I got to experience a little bit of “normal” for the first time since this disaster began. Sunday night I was blessed to go on a date with Tammy (dinner at Taps). I felt like every other guy in the restaurant trying to impress his date; I felt normal again. Today I got to go to work for a few hours, sit at my desk, and answer some questions other than how do you feel today? I felt like every other working stiff and it felt great! Tonight I got to take my kids to dinner (Mexican food- paying for it now) and listen to my girls bicker back and forth, again, I felt normal! Lord I thank you for normal; I will never take it for granted again.

Lesson- Scripture teaches us to redeem time. Mexican food, my chair at work and date with my gal will never be taken for granted again. These are gifts from God that need to be protected and cherished at all costs.

So what is your normal? What are you taking for granted? No guilt trip here, I’m just encouraging you to start cherishing your “normal”.   

Two Directions

Heb 12:2-3

2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

NIV

My hours are spent fighting between two directions. I have never had this much time to think and consider. My mind wonders to some dark places that seem to drain my hope faster than anything. This “dark place” direction is real and a very formidable enemy. He seeks to leave me alone and fearful trying to reason my way out of this hole. The bad thoughts seem to pile on one another and grow just like the cancer that is in my chest. I cannot head down this direction!

The opposite direction is a process of keeping Jesus in every thought, memory and future hope that comes through my mind. I have never had to do this before. In the past I could casually check in with Jesus on my time; now my time is His time. There is great hope in this direction! I suspect that this is a condition that God wanted me to experience long ago. I preached about it and encouraged others to do so but I have never lived it. There is a war in my mind over these two directions.

Lesson- The word “fix” in the text above means consider attentively. Lord let us fix our eyes on Jesus the direction that you have ordained for us before we were formed in the womb.  

Reconciliation

The worst thing about being a pastor is the natural separation that occurs when people leave the church. Very few people leave correctly; most leave incorrectly, either way, I end up being the reason. This particular situation inevitably leads to uncomfortable encounters at civic meetings, the market and so on. I hate this! I got into the ministry to serve God and help people. I would like to stay connected with these people like everyone else in the church. I consider them family. Ok, enough with the woe is me.

God is in the process of restoring all things. Trail #5 will be the mechanism that God will use to restore relationships that I have neglected and ruined. I pray that he will use this trail to reconcile relationships that have been damaged between me and people that I have been praying for. God desires us to live in peace with one another. This is a very high calling!

Since that dreadful Monday, God has restored me to 14 people that I was estranged from; thank you Lord. I have found lost treasure. The funny thing about this process is that God is beckoning me to pursue reconciliation even with people who do not desire it; I will try, I have nothing to lose.      

Lesson- We will sit one day at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. How uncomfortable will it be to be seated next to a brother that we have been estranged from because of foolish and worldly circumstances? FIX IT NOW!

The Fifth Trial- The First Week, Monday June 25^th

Well after a month of going back and forth to my doc for an answer to my persistent coughing, I followed Tammy’s (my girlfriend) advice and went to Kaiser ER for a chest x-ray. Doc comes in and says that they found a shadow or what could be an enlarged heart. I knew right then and there that my life was going to change. I called Tammy and she was there immediately.

The next two days consisted of Tammy and I receiving one bad report after another. Monday and Tuesday were the worst days of my life; I’m glad I was not alone! Tuesday night I had the needle biopsy and Thursday was the bone marrow biopsy. I was not “Living and Thriving” like Kaiser had promised.

While sitting with my BF (Troy) on Friday night we received the official diagnosis, Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Diffused Large Cell B. Stupid name! I HAVE CANCER and a tumor sitting on my lungs and irritating my heart. The irritation has caused significant fluid around my heart.

Sunday 3PM I started chemo round 1 of 6 (every three weeks). Not fun! 11 hours of pumping poison into my body. As the poison entered my body my girls prayed for the drug to do its job.  

On Monday, July 2, I was released from Kaiser after a week in the hospital and very thankful to be home!

Lesson- God never left my side. I felt his power every step of the way. He spoke to me about the good that will result from Trial #5. How it will mold and shape me, build my faith, make me a better man, a better pastor and a better father. I learned that Tammy knows what love is. I am at a loss for words when I think about her strength.

Stay tuned   

The Fifth Trial

Let me start by saying that this blog is about my battle with cancer. That last typed word “cancer” was the first time I used this word referring to me (deep breath). The title The Fifth Trial (cancer) begs the question what were trails 1-4. Trail #1- when I was 22 years old I lost my brother Ray (26) to a brain aneurism (we were golfing). Trial #2- in 1999 I sent my mom and dad on a cruise for my mom’s birthday. She died dancing with my father on the ship. Trail #3- in 2000 I lost my dad to a severe infection. Both my mom and my dad were 58 years old. Trail #4- in 2011 after 23 years of marriage Barb and I divorced.

The Fifth Trial is the first trial that involved a fight- I love a good fight. For those of you who do not believe in Jesus, what I am about to say may confuse you. This trial is from God for the purpose to build me up and make me complete. I do not believe it was sent to destroy me! The purpose of this blog is to communicate how God works and how He heals and sustains His people. Please understand that I am fully persuaded that I will survive, re-marry, and raise my new family.