Results are in!

Well my results are in. I received a call from my doc last Thursday with results from my recent scans. The CAT scan reveled that there is still a somewhat large tumor in my chest next to my heart. It measures about 3" long and about an 1" in diameter. He is not certain what the tumor consists of; he's calling it a lesion. He says its probably scar tissue- a residual of the LARGE TUMOR that he reminded my I had at least three times during our correspondence; what a guy! The good news is that the PET scan was negative meaning that there were no traces of cancer that was detected by the scan. The downside to all of this is that because of the tumor size the likelihood of cancer returning is high; story of my life right? So now we meet with my doc on 11/23/2012 to determine the next phase of treatment. He's considering a bone marrow transplant as well as radiation therapy. I have to admit that it's good to know that most, if mot all, the cancer is gone. I remain faithful in trusting God for my healing. I am also prepared for the long haul if that is what it takes. I want to thank everyone who has been faithful to pray for me; on behalf of me and my family, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Blessings

Round Six is Over

Hello friends, hope all is well. I can see you now, glued to your TV waiting to see who will be our next president. Food for thought for the TV pees- let one network cover Election Day so that everyone else can continue normal programing; my kids will be climbing the walls soon. Ok, I present to you the latest. I have completed six rounds of chemo therapy (the planned amount) and I had a Cat Scan today as well as a PET Scan tomorrow to determine the size of the tumor and whether or not cancer cells still occupy my body; scary right? The next step will be to meet with my doc to develop a plan based on the results of the tests. It is very unlikely that this trial is over. The best case scenario is that the tumor is completely gone and all the cancer cells in my body have been eradicated. This is my hope and prayer. I am preparing for something a little different though. The more likely scenario is that the tumor is dramatically reduced in size and that scar tissue and a small amount of cancer still remains. If this is the case I will most likely undergo (6) weeks of radiation therapy (I am beginning to hate the word therapy) there is nothing therapeutic about this process. The problem with this plan is that I will most likely be driving to LA five days a week for the entire six weeks, yikes! I continue to remain hopeful for a complete healing by the hands of my creator. It is because of this fact that I have joy and peace; He has been so good to me. I am surrounded by the very best people who make it their aim to encourage me and lift me up. My wife will tell you that I am a bit apprehensive; those that know me know that this is probably the most accurate. There is a lot riding on this outcome, my family, my friends and my church all suffer with me; that’s what makes them great! I stop daily and consider how my wife and children will be affected if I should leave this world to be united with my Lord. I know this bothers most of the people that read a statement like that but I must say that you should stop and consider the same. My family is my most cherished gift and I want to be with them to enjoy this gift for a very long time. I wait with great anticipation to know my wife more intimately and just be in awe of her greatness. I long to see what will become of my children; what profession will they serve in, who will they marry, how many children they will have and what trails await them. These are the things that I live for. Lord please lengthen my days so that I can enjoy all the gifts you have bestowed upon me. Please let my best days be in front of me and not behind me. Blessings! P.S. I still am waiting for your prayer requests. You can email me privately rabbiontherun@sbcglobal.net

My Big Idea

My Big Idea A few months ago I was reminded by the Lord that I need to carry a little cash with me at all times so that I will be in a position to meet financial needs of the less fortunate that I frequently run into. I met with the men of my church this morning to break bread and have some fellowship. While sitting there I noticed our food bank and the fact that the shelves were full of food. I was then reminded that it was the same way last week. I was moved by the Lord that the food was not doing anyone any good by sitting there on the shelves. The Lord spoke to me and said "don't wait for the food to be taken, take it to the people who need it". He then promised that when the shelves were empty, He would fill them again and again. My Big Idea- BE READY! I will now have ready (in my car) $30.00 in $5 increments and a bag of food from the abundant shelves for the purpose of meeting needs that come across my path. I will simply give some food and $5 to those who are in need. Will you join me? Email or respond to this blog about your story and experience and how it blessed you to give. Blessings

The Big Picture

The Big Picture  Well I have lived with cancer now for the last (3) months and I have time to gain some perspective on my life and my disease. I have come to the conclusion that cancer is part of my life now; weather I am healed or not, this disease has left an impression on my life. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not being negative or melodramatic; I'm being realistic. I will, for the foreseeable future, be divided in my mind as to weather or not this cancer will resurface at a later date. I suspect that this fear dwells in many people have survived cancer. I will never forget the dark days when I was in the hospital, alone at night, thinking of scenarios that I never thought I would be considering. That process alone leaves a stain on one's psyche.   I desire to live my my life free of cancer, worry, fear and doubt. This will be a daily decision for me; I will have to purpose in my heart to overcome these obstacles. I am coming to the realization that this is exactly where God wants me. My faith is the active component in my physical and spiritual well being. I will not be robbed of the joy and peace that God desires me to walk in. I will not be a slave to the possibility of what may happen.  Lesson- abundant life is accessible to us all. It is a daily decision that we need to make. The door to this abundant life is a spirit filled walk with Jesus; He is the way the truth and the life! This abundant life cannot be found in anything else so stop looking and knock on the Door.  Blessings 

Breaking Down

Well for the most part I’ve been on easy street with respect to my chemo side effects. It’s not that it’s not been bad, just not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Well, it’s all catching up to me now; my body is rapidly breaking down. On the eve of my 5^th round of chemo my big worry is that in the past, a few days before chemo, I usually feel pretty good and almost normal. Today I feel pretty bad! My hands are numb; a condition that is not allowing me to play my guitar and mandolin with ease. Oh well, I guess it will pass in a few months. All in all though; I’m glad to be alive and on the winning end of this battle.

Married life is great, the normal adjustments have been made and I really enjoy the schedule that we are on. We have time with all the kids, time alone and time with my older girls. I’m a very blessed man. I am surrounded by (6) kids who love me. I really miss not living with Lindsy and Gracie because of all our late night talks but I still see them frequently and I’m very proud of how they are progressing in life. I have the best part of parenthood; coaching adult kids and raising younger kids. Oh yea, I almost forgot, my wife is making me a better everything!

I have a great passion for the ministry God has called me to. My friend Paul gave me a book to read and it’s been challenging and pointing out the “holes in my ministry”. In short- I have been pursuing doctrine and neglecting the very heart of Jesus; taking care of the “least of these”. I love the fact that after all these years of serving God; I consistently stand corrected but not condemned. God is so gracious to me. I have been reminded that my joy is full when I’m about my Father’s business of helping people who need help and not judging their condition.  

On a personal note- please pray for an opening for me to serve as a hospital chaplain. I feel very strongly about this ministry and I cannot stop thinking about it. I want to comfort those who suffer with the comfort that I have been comforted with. Sounds like something in the bible right? IT IS!

Rabbi is falling asleep- got to go. Blessing to all of the faithful blog creepers!

Right on Track

Well the waiting is over! The test results are in and my little friend (my tumor) is 1/3 the size it was when I was diagnosed. I was really pleased with the results and my doctor was encouraged by my progress. I had a great day on Friday once I was given the news; I was finally able to breathe again. God did everything that I asked of Him and I am so grateful. The truth of the matter is that my body could be cancer free today. The image that was on the CAT Scan could be the remainder of the tumor; non malignant. I won’t really know if I am cancer free until the PET Scan at the end of my chemo regiment.

I knew at the start of the Fifth Trail that part of my journey was going to be my healing. I often thought about how I would communicate the faithfulness of God to you and not sound crazy. I am fully persuaded that God hears, God heals, and restores all things. I would love for God to heal me so that I can pass along the message to all who read this blog that God is for us! He is not against us because of His great love for us. I spent the morning trying to communicate this to my flock (John 3:16-21, Sunday sermon) the fact that God so loved the world…. He loves me! He loves you and wants to bring blessing into your life. He has great plans to prosper you in ways that you could never imagine. This is not hype; it’s truth!

Lesson- God’s love for me is not based on circumstances. It does not change like everything else in this world. It is the same every day weather I have cancer or not, weather I’m good or not, weather I have faith or not; His love endures forever! He has loved me consistently for every day of my Fifth Trial.

Physical update- Sores in my nose and mouth, sweating like a pig but happy to be on the road to recovery.

Thank you for your continual prayers and interest in my life- I’m eternally grateful.

Waiting

Waiting

In the words of Tom Petty “The waiting is the hardest part”. I had the CAT scan last Tuesday and I have been waiting for word on the size of the tumor in my chest. Waiting causes anxiety in me. I really had no problem with the fact that I had a growth in me. The issue is the finality of this test. It is a grade that will determine if the last two and a half months have been fruitful (worth it) really. I’ve always hated tests; they make us confront our brutal realities. Most of you that know me are shocked about this reality. The truth is I love confronting brutal realities; just not in me. I know that no matter what the results reveal; God is faithful and I will receive what I have been asking for.

The lesson is for me to learn to live in a state of contentment despite my circumstances. If God is really for me then what am I stressing over? Have I connected my wellbeing to results from a test? I wonder if this is what men of faith have struggled with in the past. I hope I am not alone! What I am learning is that contentment is a choice and it takes great faith to be content when the circumstances are daunting.

My heart goes out to all the people today that are waiting for good news and all the families that are standing (stressed out) waiting for Hope to arrive. Make no mistake here kids; Hope is on the way! We have called on God and He will deliver in His way and in His time.

Lord I pray for everyone who reads these words today to be infused with Hope and Faith. Everyone is waiting for something and hoping for the best in their life situation. Be their Hope Lord. Remind them today that You are God, Creator, Healer and Sustainer of all things. Be all of these things for them today.

Blessings

Wedding Pic

                                                        Greg and Tammy Davis 8/31/12

The Nine Day Engagement

Well if you haven’t already heard- I was engaged while on vacation (to Tammy) and married nine days later in my back yard in Fullerton in front of my family. We have been dating for about a year now and the timing was perfect. The stress level was low due to the short time to plan and it fit perfectly between chemo therapy #3 and #4 that occurred the following Tuesday. I know this sounds a bit crazy but I have decided to live and thrive during this time and not allow my joy, my future and my love to be taken from me. The truth is; I love Tammy very much and we are great together. So within nine days I moved back in my home in Fullerton that I left 18 months ago, added 2 children to my four children and attached my soul to another; all that’s missing is the reality show. Please trust me when I say this- this is the best thing I could have done; nothing else made sense.

So where do I go from here? I take every day as a new day with new mercies and new ways of doing things. I am not alone anymore! I hated Thursdays because I went home from church at night and I was alone; it’s not right for man to be alone. I have five long-term goals now; thrive with my wife Tammy, shepherd my small flock of children, be the best Pastor I can be, be the best employee I can be and oh yea- beat this cancer thing. I have so much to live for and that brings me joy and not fear. I will see light and victory at the end of this battle; you can take that to the bank! You may be saying to yourself, wow that sure sounds lofty. I can make this claim because I believe that God will give me the desires of my heart and these are my desires. You may call this a leap of faith, I call it skydiving! I vow to live like I was dying.

Lesson- The hope that God gives us does not disappoint.

Physical update- the 4^th round of chemo was the worst, I suspect that 5 and 6 will be even more overwhelming. I have a CAT scan next week that will determine how the chemo is working against the tumor so please pray. I’m praying for significant reduction in size.    

A Time to Think

Well I’m back from my timeout; it was well worth it! This particular timeout was purposeful with respect to the decisions that I am in the midst of making. One thing that became abundantly clear to me was the way I have been living my life, or not living my life. I was confronted with the question of exactly how I acquired this insidious disease. It became clear to me that stress, diet, worry, doubt, fear and an overall concern about my life performance, were the primary factors that led to my illness. My life was way too complicated and busy to experience the abundance that God desired for me. I was headed for disaster and if it wasn’t cancer than it would have been something else. My body was saying what my spirit tried to say; STOP and rest.

Prayer reveled a truth that my first pastor communicated to me a long time ago; “God’s opinion of me makes mans opinion irrelevant”. This statement probably means nothing to you, but for me they are words that speak to my tired and hungry sprit. I was simply trying to rest in what man thought of me and not resting in what God thought of me. Those of you who know me well saw this coming; I’m sure this is not a surprise revelation to you. Faith is knowing that God is pleased and everyone else is pissed off! The weight of leadership can be heavy at times but it is unbearable when you make it your aim to please everyone but God. In the words of John Mayer- “Stop This Train, I want to get off and go home again; I can’t take speed it’s moving in”. I know you’re disappointed that I did not wax biblical, but that line was on my heart.

So where do I go from here? I make it my mission to please God and deal with the disappointment from others. I need His encouragement more than I need chemo therapy. This process will be a day by day struggle for me because I so want to keep people happy. I need your prayers. I would rather die pleasing God than live trying to make everyone happy! I have set a course that I believe pleases God and I am compelled to follow it at all costs.

Blessings

Max's Hand

Lord grant me all the time I need so that Max's hand grows as big as my hand.

Time Out

Blessing all, I trust everyone is holding up ok. Well, round #3 of chemo is complete and all the steroids have been consumed and I'm on vacation. I woke up this morning and had my devotion (my time with God) on the balcony overlooking the beautiful ocean waters of Catalina. This island has become annual resting place. I said annual, not final! I am taking this oportunity today to pray for all of you have faithfully followed me on this journey; my fith trial.

Lord, I pray for all those who are need of healing. We can trust you for healing because it's who you are and part of your character. Healing is one of your names and your son was called "The Great Physician". Trust God for your healing today! Follow me and I will show you the way!

Lord I pray for those who are stressed. Lord, you are the Prince of Peace; be their peace today. Calm the storm in their life and remind them to fix their eyes on you; the author and finisher of their faith.

Lord I pray for those who are overwhelmed with worry. Worry is not something you designed; it is extremely dangerous for your kids to engage in it. You are faithful, you will fix whatever is broken, you will provide for what's needed and you will bring about the change that we hope for.

Lord I pray for those who are are having relationship problems; marriage, dating, friendships and family issues. If we desire you to move in healing our relationship we must heal our relationship with you. We will never have the heart to heal relationships until your heart becomes our heart. Be wrong, be second and just make peace.

If you need prayer email me, I have the time and I have been faithful to pray for whatever needs you may have.

Lesson- these are more than just words on a screen; they are for you. They have power because He has power. They matter because you matter to Him. He will grant us these things because He has promised to do so. Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.

Great Morning!

Well for those of you who pray, you know that one of the best times to pray is in the morning; preferably before the sun rises. I have my devotion time (time with God alone) almost every morning. Most of the time, I read and then pray about everything that concerns me. This morning was different. My mind was filled with questions, questions that most of us are afraid to ask. I approach God in a very practical way; it’s what makes my relationship with Him unique; not better than yours, just different. I have leaned to forego all the emotion and just approach Him like I would my father. I could talk to my dad about anything; I miss him greatly. Ok, so back to my morning. As I sat on my bed thinking about all my issues I realized that I had more questions than requests. It’s not that I did not have need; I just had a hard time verbalizing it. So I started journaling all of my questions and pouring out all my fears, my what if’s, my how my gonna’s and all the things I think about but don’t talk about. Something profound happened. I experienced a great peace about all my worries and stressors. You see, God wants me in a state of need; need for His presence in my life. So here’s the kicker- my circumstance have not changed but my perspective was completely transformed as I was reminded again that God wants me to be dependent on Him.

Lesson- for those of you who have a hard time connecting with God start asking Him about all the issues of your life. Forgo answers for the moment and focus on connection and relationship with Him. Seek Him first and all the undone issues of your life will be resolved.  

Chemo on Tuesday so please pray!

Good News Update

Well we prayed and God answered. I had a sonogram on my heart to check and see if the fluid surrounding my heart had decreased. The doc confirmed that the fluid was completely gone. I’m stoked! This was a big concern of my doctors and a big weight on my chest. My hope is fueled by the results of this test; I feel like God can do anything. Once again, God has answered our prayer and remember it could have been YOUR prayer that He honored.

My second miracle occurred this past weekend. My daughter Grace signed our team up for the Relay for Life (an event sponsored by the American Cancer Society). We were the last team to join the event and had very little time to organize. Despite our late start, we finished first in fundraising ($3,500) and had over 100 friends, family members and church family walk and run on the track for 24 hours. I am surrounded by the best of the best! We received encouragement and hope from survivors and cancer warriors; I was completely blessed.

Lesson- don’t stop now! My fight is not over. Please continue to pray specifically for the tumor in my chest to be completely destroyed by the chemo therapy. I want every cancer cell destroyed that is in my body. I don’t want to be a picture of remembrance at next year’s Relay. I want to be one of the speakers and testify how God healed me and how He used people to bless me and give me hope. Please pray specially for these things. Your prayers matter! If you need prayer for anything please email me (privately) at rabbiontherun@sbcglobal.net  and I will be faithful to pray for you.

Physical update- I feel pretty good, I walked 26 laps at the relay and paid the price but it was worth it. I meet with my oncology doc 8/13/2012 and round #3 of chemo is 8/14/2012. I’m bald as a bowling ball and sore as hell.      

A Gift From God

God has been exceptionally good to me. From day one of The Fifth Trial my girlfriend Tammy has stood by my side through circumstances that I thought I was immune from. I was convinced before all this stuff went down that I had been given someone very special; someone who was strong physically and mentally. The thing that really surprised me was her spiritual strength. I knew she was tuff, I knew her story and all her struggles and how she has persevered, but what I have seen in the last 5 weeks has left me speechless. She is fearless, obstinate, demanding (in a good way), compassionate and relentless! I have never felt alone in this trial; with Tammy, it’s always “we”. When I am away from her I can hear her say “Davis, you’re not going anywhere”. She is in this with me; like she has this disease. For those of you who know her, you know what I’m talking about. I know I am undeserving of this caliber of person in my life; I have an incredible gift and I am grateful.

Lesson- So wrap your brain around this; God is for you! He wants to give you gifts because He loves you. We are all undeserving of His benefits; they are not earned so just accept them. Most of you have the best things from God right under your nose- so look down and you will see them! God sent me the perfect person at the perfect time because I’m His kid and He digs me. Say it, God is for me!   

The only statistic that matters

I don’t think I am alone when I tell you that when one is diagnosed with cancer the digestion of statistics and knowledge about the disease is overwhelming. The first thing you want to know is how long am I going to live? What are my chances of survival? Internet searches ensue, data is compiled and opinions are formed. Sounds a bit crazy but that’s what happens. This is a very critical point in the fight against this insidious disease. Do you plan and live your life based on this data? Is it relevant data? Can it be trusted? Am I just one of the 450,000 men under 45 who will be diagnosed this year alone?

The problem with the noble pursuit of knowledge is that it’s all man based. I have a physical and a spiritual battle being waged within my body. What I really need to know is what God says about my chances. This data is not found on the web, there are no fancy charts, national statistics or survival rates when one places their hope in God healing them. I have done everything the doctors have told me to do and now I wait for God to perform His work in me. Please let me make myself abundantly clear; God will heal me by using talented doctors, the best family and friends a man could want and my faith in His ability to do the impossible.

Lesson- Matt 13:15- 15 For this people's heart (our world) has become calloused (fearful); they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn (look to God), and I would heal them.' NIV  

We do not want to become calloused by the trends of this world. Remember; we were created by God, in His image, for His purpose, for His glory and to be His light in the darkness. I HAVE PLACED MY HOPE IN GOD!     

Green Pastures

Psalm 23 “He makes me lie down in green pastures”.

Ok today was a good day! You may be asking yourself, didn’t he have chemo yesterday? Yes I did. I have a 4 day reprieve through the miracle of Prednisone (a steroid). I have an appetite and energy to burn. I worked for a few hours this morning, cleaned out the garage, two loads to the dump, put an exercise floor in and hung a punching bag for my girlfriend. Then it was off to the movies with my boys to reward them for their hard work helping out the old man. As I write this I’m watching a movie with my girls at home.    

My point is this; God gave me a “Green Pastures” day after being in valley of the shadow of death. I’m not trying to be dramatic; I’m just giving you a snapshot of how God operates. I’m learning that one of the keys to surviving this nightmare is to live when you can live and be sick only when you have to. The truth is there is contentment in both; the valley and the green pasture. They are gifts from God meant for my edification. What if He was only the God of the green pasture and not of the valley? I thank Him for being both. I’m a blessed man as I have stated in other posts; I’m surrounded by the best of the best!

Lesson- So what about you? Have you found God faithful in the valley and in the shadow? I know what some of you are thinking; I try to avoid the valley’s dude; I don’t even like thinking about them and if I do they may find me. Don’t be such a sissy! Valleys produce everything good in life and they purge out all the bad. If you don’t cling to God in the valleys you will cling to the wrong thing elsewhere and miss out on all the growth that God has for you.    

I spent the day with my new peeps

Well, chemo round 2 is in the history books; thank the Lord. I had the privilege of spending the day with warriors; real warriors. Ok, they did not look like soldiers, police officers or firemen, but now that I have a test of what they have been fighting- my hero radar has been recalibrated. As we sat in our recliners with drugs being pumped in us that will kill us before they heal us, we all made eye contact with each other. Very few words were spoken but the eye contact said it all; I know where you’re at and we will make it. It’s probably something that Grace (my daughter) and Tammy (my girlfriend) missed while they were there with me, but I did not. There is great fellowship in suffering; great comfort in knowing that we will all go home tonight with the same doubts, pains and relief that it’s over for now.

Please understand that I not saying that we are an elite group of people; we are just regular Joe’s who woke up one day with this insidious disease. I experienced the same phenomena when I went through my divorce. People who suffer great loss have the ability to comfort others when they experience the same type of loss; it’s just Gods way. I thank God for all of you who have call, emailed, text and just reached out with survivor stories. These stories feed my hope up so keep them flowing!

Lesson- If you have suffered in this life then you have a story of hope. That story needs to be heralded. The second day that I was in the hospital a woman chaplain came in my room to “minister” to me. I kindly replied “I’m a pastor, I’m covered”. Thank God she ignored me. She spent the next 20 minutes telling me her story. For those of you who know about that Black Tuesday; I needed that story more than medical attention. She explained to me that 4 years ago she had the same cancer, stage 4 with very little hope of survival. She was healed and became a voluntary chaplain because of her experience. So what’s your story? Get off your butt and SHARE IT! You may change the life of someone else.

2 Cor 1:3-5

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows NIV

Fatigued

I have had the great privilege of having various careers in my 45 years of walking this planet. When I was a young man I worked with my dad manufacturing plastic injection molds. This led to my first career in plastics manufacturing. Without going into too much detail, I learned first-hand what fatigue can do to plastic. It’s easy to understand really. Can you remember bending a piece of plastic and then trying to return it to its original form? While you may be able to get it back to form you soon realize that the plastic is marked forever at the point of the greatest stress.

Another way to convey my point is to explain what I learned in the flooring industry (my second career). Have you ever noticed cracked stone or ceramic tile while walking through the mall? If you pay close attention you will notice that the cracks are usually connected in one straight line. The reason for this phenomenon is that big structures have stress (fatigue) along supporting column lines. The concrete slabs move and create stress in the tile and then you have a crack.

I can feel some of you saying, Greg, you’re losing me dude. Well this is what I am learning about chemo therapy; it causes my body to be in a state of perpetual fatigue. I am at the point of breaking all the time. Everything is I do is more difficult than it used to be. I feel stressed out lying on the couch.

Lesson- Jesus said “my yoke is easy and my burden is light; come to me all who are fatigued and I will give your soul rest”. Fatigue is ungodly! I think all of us know what it is like to be fatigued but remember this; you will not experience this in heaven. If this is something that you struggle with then simply apply the Masters advice; come to Him. Please pray that the fatigue I suffer from never becomes an excuse to treat others poorly. I have been guilty of this lately and I feel terrible about it.  

Chemo, round 2 starts in 14 hours

Am I a good sheep?

Well I had a bad two days and I was not up to posting or any other activity. The chemo therapy is stronger than I anticipated. My body is now feeling all of its ugly side effects. Ok, so that’s my physical update, no worries, I can take it.

So for the last two mornings I have been awakened by the 23^rd Psalm being repeated in my head. You know, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want……” Typically when this happens I know God is trying to get something through my bald thick head. When I was a young Catholic I misunderstood the first part of this classic verse. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. What the heck does that mean? I shall not want Him? As I got older I understood the verse to mean that the Lord is my Shepherd and because of this truth I will not be left wanting. Wow, I will not be wanting for anything. If I’m not wanting then what am I? I’m satisfied, wow, even better. Ok so let’s have a little reality check shall we? Am I in want and do I feel satisfied? Most of us would answer yes to one and no to the other. So what’s the deal; is God not doing His part? God always does His part; He is perfect, we are imperfect.

The problem lies with the first few words of the verse. I would have added “if” at the start of the verse to make this a conditional promise. I believe that that’s exactly what it is. So the problem is with me; am I a good sheep? Sheep follow the shepherd; they know His voice and follow His direction. He will be faithful to lead them to good.

Lesson- we need to stop blaming God for our circumstance and focus our attention on being a good sheep; faithful and obedient.

Sacrifice

I am a blessed man. God has surrounded me with people who have:

·         Paid my July rent without me even asking

·         Stopped their life to spend a week with me in the hospital

·         Got on a plane just to see me

·         Put their plans on hold and put my needs above theirs for the last 3 ½ weeks

·         Stayed home just to be with me

·         Kept watch over me during the night

·         Shopped for foods I can eat

·         Handled my professional responsibilities with excellence

·         Cried with me

·         Fasted for me

·         Prayed without ceasing for me

·         Hoped when I did not want to hope

·         Looked me in the eye and said “I will never leave your side”

·         Started prayer chains

·         Tolerated my mood swings

·         Cried for me in private- been strength for me in public

·         Reminded me that they love me

·         Sacrificed time with their children to be with me  

·         Searched the internet tirelessly for things that could increase my lifespan

You know who you are. You are my friends, my family, my church, my co-workers and my future. You have added a trait to the list of what love is in 1 Corinthians 13- LOVE IS NOT INCONVIEANCED! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Lesson- Jesus said if you give someone a cold cup of water in My Name you will not lose your reward. I have been saturated by cold water and I am abundantly blessed because of it! So find a cup, fill it with water and pour it out!   

Bad hair day

Well mama said there would be days like this. After a long night of night sweats and tossing and turning, I was making my bed this morning when I noticed hair all over my pillow. Now I know what you’re thinking, what did you expect? The funny thing about this process is that you actually have days that are very normal, both physically and emotionally; you almost forget that you have cancer. I just was not ready for the reminder. The chemo is doing what it is designed to do; KILL everything! My body is now losing the battle and for the first time, I feel like I have cancer. I must confess that I am a bit vane about my body breaking down. I don’t mind the cancer; I just never wanted to look like I had the disease. I never wanted to walk the streets with my beautiful girlfriend looking like this. Ok, pity party over.

Today I was reminded once again why I need to kick this thing in the butt. Max (my eight year old) and were driving in the car and singing like usual and between songs, he said to me, “Dad please don’t die”. I have my marching orders. I stood before a judge and promised to love and provide for this boy and I will not let him down! So, cancer can take my hair, jack up my stomach, and make me sore all over but I will not be defeated by it; this battle belongs to God!

Lesson- trials are like a boxing match. I lost this round today and that’s ok; I will not lose tomorrow. I plan on getting knocked down and beat up but I have to remember; I’m in a fight and these things are supposed to happen. What about you? Have you been knocked down? Get up, get right with God and stop seeking after all the old coping mechanisms that have failed you.

Ask and you shall receive

Well God did it! I got my test results back (the source of my impatience)and there were no traces of cancer in my bone marrow and the PET scan reveled that there were no other tumors in my body! I am stoked. I got the call this morning from my oncology doc and just seeing the UNKNOWN number on my I-Phone made my stomach turn. I waited on every word that he had to say and I made him repeat every word just to be sure. It was the call I was waiting for but not wanting to take. You know that feeling right?

So the cool thing I want you to see is that prayer is an awesome thing. Just think for a moment, God was listening to all these prayers and there was one prayer that caused Him to move with power. We will never know who prayed that simple prayer. It could have been one of you that listened to my advice and simply closed your eyes and asked God for the first time in a long time. THANK YOU! You may have saved my life. My children thank you, my girlfriend thanks you and all my friends’ thank you as well.

Lesson- Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be open. For everyone who asks receives, and to him who knocks the door will always open. You have needs, just admit it! Respond to this blog and I will pray for you. God answers prayer, not just for Pastor’s, but for everyone who ASKS!!!!

Thankful

After 21 days of my journey I have been overwhelmed by the great sea of people who have have reached out to me in a myriad of ways. I have talked with people over the past 3 weeks that I have not spoken to in 25 years. This morning at church I was give a blanket that was made by the women in my church, my mantle is covered with cards and posters. My in-box is full with people who have emailed prayers to me and my text in-box is overflowing. I am not worthy of this outpouring of love!

The amazing thing is that I realized that I made a huge mistake by not understanding the value of all these relationships. I am 45 years old and I have had some wonderful relationships over the years that I have allowed to die. When I think about everything that I experienced with these fine people I feel as if I robbed myself. How do I revive these relationships? Why did I wait for cancer to bring me to my senses? What catastrophic events did I miss in the lives of my friends while I was busy living my life? I feel foolish and embarrassed. Lord, I don’t want to be that man anymore, please forgive me.

Lesson- what relationships are getting away from you? All it takes is a call, a text, a lunch, or God forbid, an old fashion hand written letter.

Status- I feel like an old man. My joints are as stiff as can be, I’m down 22 pounds and I’m out of breath changing out a sprinkler. My girlfriend (nurse) Tammy is the bomb; she takes very good care of me. Lord please continue to bless her for her faithfulness.    

Patience- I hate that word!

So I’m headed into week #4 of this nightmare and I still do not have all the answers that I have been seeking. I have taken tests that produced results weeks ago and yet I have NO results at all. I look forward to the day that I have all the pieces of data that I need to understand this challenge. I am a problem solver by nature and I love dry-erase boards, data, problem solving tools and collaborative meetings. I feel a bit trapped! Is there cancer in my bone marrow? Are there additional tumors in my body? Am I stage one or four? I am struggling with patience.

So what’s the big deal you may ask? Everyone in this position probably deals with these emotions. Well the problem is patience is a fruit of God’s nature. So what does that mean? God is by His very nature patient and longsuffering. He has been waiting for thousands of years for mankind to get it. If I claim to be a believer then I will be patient like God is patient just like I will love like He loves. These attributes are what separates us from non believers. Most believers get caught up in do’s and don’ts (laws for Christian living) and neglect the things you cannot see like love and patience!

So what am I to do? Well, I need to be reminded that faith feeds patience! What I desperately need is a shot of faith. So those of you who know how to pray- start praying. Those of you who do not know how to pray- close your eyes and ask God to fill me with faith; it’s that easy.

Lesson-  Gal 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. NIV

I need to spend more time focusing on these attributes than I do focusing on the lack of information that is frustrating me.

Spiritual Inventory

Well I had a PET scan today, no big deal, but as I was lying there in this tube-like scanner thing (lying still for 30 Min) I had an epiphany and a miracle. The miracle was that I was able to lay still for length of time; those of you who know me personally know what I am talking about. The epiphany was related to the process of the test and the outcomes. The first thing you have to do is fast for six hours, no strenuous activity, just rest. The next step is an injection of Glucose with radioactive tracers that go through your entire body. The tracers are designed to light up other tumors so that the cancer can be staged and then I get my odds.

The thing that I learned was that every test that I take has a spiritual component to it as well. In the case of this test I need a tracer to detect the spiritual disease that dwells in my spirit. I have areas if idolatry hidden deep within me as well as other things that God desires to point out in hopes that I will see and change my ways. Trial #5 is all about the transformation of Greg, God’s kid, not Greg the pastor. The difficulty for all of us is the decision to change. God will not change you, He will help you change but it has to be our decision, our surrender.   

Mumford and Son’s- Sigh no More- a song I will learn this week on the old mandolin. Check out the chorus.

Love that will not betray you,
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man
you were made to be.

Lesson- This is my prayer for me. I’ve been betrayed, dismayed and enslaved by this world. God I need you to set me free to be the man He wants me to be. Are you the man/ woman that He wants you to be? I know, stop preaching! Hey, I am what I am!

No More Sermons

For those of you “rookie” Christians let me give it to you straight about the ministry. Shepherding, preaching and leading can get pretty monotonous. You start teaching a book (the Gospel of John) and you spend your time extracting what you believe God wants communicated to your flock. This process is not bad or evil it just is what it is.

When black Monday arrived I knew that singing and preaching would be put on the back burner. Paula, an anointed leader in my church, began maintaining a schedule of anointed people to fill my spots. Preaching is my lifeblood and my passion and I always look forward to communicating Gods word to my sheep. I knew this season was going to be fraught with frustration. Imagine your life being turned upside down and the floodgates of wisdom and insight being completely open with new insight and a fresh perspective, and no mechanism to share it. I do not want to preach sermons anymore! I want to communicate spiritual life to sheep that are hungry for personal transformation. I want to be used by God to speak to their inner man and to live a life that communicates the height, the depth and the breadth of God’s love. My challenge is to be relevant in my desperation. I don’t want to scare people away but I want to encourage them to connect with God more.

Lesson- communicate the love of God like it is the last thing that I get to say; my last words. I’m not dying but I wasn’t really living either. I know there is someone reading this right now that needs to know you are the apple of God’s eye. He’s crazy about you and misses you terribly! He is next to you now waiting for you to invite Him in. So what are you waiting for? Trust me- I have never felt God’s love stronger than I do right now at this very moment and my life is completely upside down!   

          

Decisions, Decisions  

Life changing news has a way of putting off all the decisions you were in the process of making moments before you realized your life was upside-down. I was right in the middle of planning my life; spiritual, personal and professional. My life consists of managing time so that time does not manage me. Now every plan, every decision and every commitment is made with cancer on the forefront of my mind. Where will I be six months from now? Will this all be over and behind me? What if the chemo therapy is ineffective? What if they find more cancer? Will I be around to see the completion of the project at work that I am working on? Will I be around long enough to finish teaching the Gospel of John to my flock? Wow, now I’m stressed.

So this is the way I see it; I will make the decisions that need to be made. I do not have tomorrow promised to me. I vow to make no decision before its time even if that non-decision has consequences. Scripture teaches us that every decision starts with God; seek His kingdom first, and all these things will be added on to you. So what the heck does that mean? It means that I need to be seeking God far more than I need to be seeking and answer to my decision. I need to trust the fact that God wants to give me peace before He gives me answers. The order is God first and answers to life decisions second. This is way beyond living “one day at a time”.

Lesson-                Start seeking God and stop trying to control everything.  

Matt 4:4 Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" NIV    

Physical Condition- Sick and sore. I have a PET scan Thursday to determine if there are additional tumors. Please pray. If you have never prayed then just ask God like you would ask your dad for something. It’s not rocket science.     

A Glimpse of Normal

I had a good day today despite the pain and discomfort. What made it a great day was that I got to experience a little bit of “normal” for the first time since this disaster began. Sunday night I was blessed to go on a date with Tammy (dinner at Taps). I felt like every other guy in the restaurant trying to impress his date; I felt normal again. Today I got to go to work for a few hours, sit at my desk, and answer some questions other than how do you feel today? I felt like every other working stiff and it felt great! Tonight I got to take my kids to dinner (Mexican food- paying for it now) and listen to my girls bicker back and forth, again, I felt normal! Lord I thank you for normal; I will never take it for granted again.

Lesson- Scripture teaches us to redeem time. Mexican food, my chair at work and date with my gal will never be taken for granted again. These are gifts from God that need to be protected and cherished at all costs.

So what is your normal? What are you taking for granted? No guilt trip here, I’m just encouraging you to start cherishing your “normal”.   

Two Directions

Heb 12:2-3

2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

NIV

My hours are spent fighting between two directions. I have never had this much time to think and consider. My mind wonders to some dark places that seem to drain my hope faster than anything. This “dark place” direction is real and a very formidable enemy. He seeks to leave me alone and fearful trying to reason my way out of this hole. The bad thoughts seem to pile on one another and grow just like the cancer that is in my chest. I cannot head down this direction!

The opposite direction is a process of keeping Jesus in every thought, memory and future hope that comes through my mind. I have never had to do this before. In the past I could casually check in with Jesus on my time; now my time is His time. There is great hope in this direction! I suspect that this is a condition that God wanted me to experience long ago. I preached about it and encouraged others to do so but I have never lived it. There is a war in my mind over these two directions.

Lesson- The word “fix” in the text above means consider attentively. Lord let us fix our eyes on Jesus the direction that you have ordained for us before we were formed in the womb.  

Reconciliation

The worst thing about being a pastor is the natural separation that occurs when people leave the church. Very few people leave correctly; most leave incorrectly, either way, I end up being the reason. This particular situation inevitably leads to uncomfortable encounters at civic meetings, the market and so on. I hate this! I got into the ministry to serve God and help people. I would like to stay connected with these people like everyone else in the church. I consider them family. Ok, enough with the woe is me.

God is in the process of restoring all things. Trail #5 will be the mechanism that God will use to restore relationships that I have neglected and ruined. I pray that he will use this trail to reconcile relationships that have been damaged between me and people that I have been praying for. God desires us to live in peace with one another. This is a very high calling!

Since that dreadful Monday, God has restored me to 14 people that I was estranged from; thank you Lord. I have found lost treasure. The funny thing about this process is that God is beckoning me to pursue reconciliation even with people who do not desire it; I will try, I have nothing to lose.      

Lesson- We will sit one day at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. How uncomfortable will it be to be seated next to a brother that we have been estranged from because of foolish and worldly circumstances? FIX IT NOW!

The Fifth Trial- The First Week, Monday June 25^th

Well after a month of going back and forth to my doc for an answer to my persistent coughing, I followed Tammy’s (my girlfriend) advice and went to Kaiser ER for a chest x-ray. Doc comes in and says that they found a shadow or what could be an enlarged heart. I knew right then and there that my life was going to change. I called Tammy and she was there immediately.

The next two days consisted of Tammy and I receiving one bad report after another. Monday and Tuesday were the worst days of my life; I’m glad I was not alone! Tuesday night I had the needle biopsy and Thursday was the bone marrow biopsy. I was not “Living and Thriving” like Kaiser had promised.

While sitting with my BF (Troy) on Friday night we received the official diagnosis, Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Diffused Large Cell B. Stupid name! I HAVE CANCER and a tumor sitting on my lungs and irritating my heart. The irritation has caused significant fluid around my heart.

Sunday 3PM I started chemo round 1 of 6 (every three weeks). Not fun! 11 hours of pumping poison into my body. As the poison entered my body my girls prayed for the drug to do its job.  

On Monday, July 2, I was released from Kaiser after a week in the hospital and very thankful to be home!

Lesson- God never left my side. I felt his power every step of the way. He spoke to me about the good that will result from Trial #5. How it will mold and shape me, build my faith, make me a better man, a better pastor and a better father. I learned that Tammy knows what love is. I am at a loss for words when I think about her strength.

Stay tuned   

The Fifth Trial

Let me start by saying that this blog is about my battle with cancer. That last typed word “cancer” was the first time I used this word referring to me (deep breath). The title The Fifth Trial (cancer) begs the question what were trails 1-4. Trail #1- when I was 22 years old I lost my brother Ray (26) to a brain aneurism (we were golfing). Trial #2- in 1999 I sent my mom and dad on a cruise for my mom’s birthday. She died dancing with my father on the ship. Trail #3- in 2000 I lost my dad to a severe infection. Both my mom and my dad were 58 years old. Trail #4- in 2011 after 23 years of marriage Barb and I divorced.

The Fifth Trial is the first trial that involved a fight- I love a good fight. For those of you who do not believe in Jesus, what I am about to say may confuse you. This trial is from God for the purpose to build me up and make me complete. I do not believe it was sent to destroy me! The purpose of this blog is to communicate how God works and how He heals and sustains His people. Please understand that I am fully persuaded that I will survive, re-marry, and raise my new family.